Today has been a real downer for me. Yesterday I had a painter out to give me an estimate to finish the painting on the exterior of my house. While he was here I asked him to also give me quotes for some of the inside. I was not expecting the figure I got. I could have another estimate, but his gentleman is highly recommended, dependable, shows up on time and does the job right the first time. In addition, he made an effort to cut every corner possible because he knew about my circumstances. Even to finish the exterior painting that we worked on so hard and ran out of time is a sizable chunk. I fought off my panic yesterday, and by today it wasn't panic . . . just despair. "Just." But, you see, this is in addition to the cost of refinishing the hardwood floors, and potential further renovations necessary to make the house marketable.
Today, I took a day away from most of the labor of my journey. I've spent the day rolling numbers around in my head, and no matter how I rearrange them, it appears that I have few options. (1) I can put out the $$, bite the bullet and put the house on the market and see what I can get. (2) I can have the exterior painted, floors done, and finish the rest of the work myself; this will put off my move for at least 6 months. )3) I can sell the house to a rehabber. Obviously, I'll lose $$, but the headache will be over.
There is no "right" answer. I will need to mull this over for a while longer before I can decide what is the best route for me to take. Boy, I hate it when I get to this kind of branch in the path of my journey. When none of the options seems to give a better long term possibility, it is really hard for me to sort it all out. And it seems that I've had to make this kind of decision too frequently in the past couple years. "Alright, Lyn! You've made it to this new stage of your life. Your path is branching and it is time for you to make a life-altering decision. Here are the clues: You can pick a no-win/no-win behind door #1! Or you may select to chose impossible/impossible behind Curtain #2! And hang on, here comes the best! You may opt to take the road that leads to the no-return detour just around the curve behind the foggy mist that is hiding door #3! How much better can it be?! You know, Lyn, that no matter which you pick, you're going to lose something, but what fun it will be finding out which choice is the worst!!!"
Actually, I'm pleased with how well I've managed today. I'm up against a conundrum, but I'm still mobile. And I still have a sense of humor, even if it is rather twisted! Well, no one ever said life would be simple. I've lived long enough to know that, although I hate these trials, life past them is even sweeter for the work I've done, for the accomplishments and successes that frequently follow them. Right now I just want to lick my wounds, but in a few weeks . . . maybe even a few days . . . I'll move off this stagnation and look back, saying something like, "Gee, was that all there was to it? It seemed bigger on the other side, but look at me go now!" I'm just waiting for that "go." C'mon, go!!
BTW, I got a kick out of one thing about the painter. He knew I'm struggling with many things, and he asked if I have a church home. I responded that I do, my pat answer. I actually don't attend formal services anymore, preferring to explore beliefs that are outside the usual realm of organized religion. I am a deeply spiritual person, and I commune regularly and frequently with God. But when asked that question, I don't think it necessary to have that conversation with everyone who asks. On my door is a sign in vivid red and bright yellow with HUGE black lettering. It says, "No solicitations, including religious." This is to keep away the Jehovah's Witnesses. After watching my dear friend and neighbor go through years of push and pull with them, I simply won't give them the time of day. The gentleman standing on my porch pointed at it and said with a grin, "Oops. I guess I didn't read the sign." We had a short chat about religion, faith, and spiritual peace. He left without pushing. Good for him.
So I will continue to struggle with my challenges. It is hard to face them when they are at the strongest, but I know I grow stronger for having passed each one.