These are random musings of my life journey, the people, animals, places, and events which have woven, and continue to weave, a tapestry that is me. We all know there is no real destination, only the ongoing experiences which blend together, creating the trail. Each step gives a glimpse of what is to come, without allowing me to see the end result. It is exciting. I have a home base that is mine, that gives me a place to rest. This is it. This is where my heart is, no matter where I journey...................

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Back On Track Again

I've begun to put the exterior of the house back together after all this time. Yesterday I braved the near 100 degree temps and put 2 of 11 storm windows back into place. It was easier than I had anticipated, but I limited myself to the 2. I didn't get up early enough to do some of them today, and I may be unable to do any for a couple more. Today I just slept too late, and with the heat going only into the 80s at night and 100+ through Tuesday, I just may skip it. I'd like to get them in to help the air conditioner do it's work, but I like me better than the machine!

I also did some more scraping of old grout in the shower yesterday. Sitting on the floor just about killed my back and legs, so I'm not doing any of that today. I also decided that I should probably just quit being a perfectionist and re-grout now. If I keep up this "doing it right" stuff, I will be here for another year! I can't do that! I'm so ready to be gone from here. It is becoming a huge burden, just making myself do almost anything. My heart isn't it anymore. I can't make this house look like I want it to look, like it looked in a better, happier time. So I gotta do just what has to be and get on with life elsewhere.

I'm giving a lot of thought to my journey in recent days, both the past and the one that is coming. This last week was emotionally difficult for me on several levels, and I was thinking, probably way too much. But there is a good outcome, too. I am really getting pretty much ready to turn lose and go away from here. I still struggle because of the comfortable familiarity of this house, but it will be a relief to have a smaller place that is less trouble to keep up. There is no person who needs 5 bedrooms in 2000+ square feet! I am also leaning strongly toward considering a condo, 1 level, with limited exterior upkeep for me to have to manage.

So, I'm hoping that the coming week will be more productive around the house for me than the last. I'm also hoping that I will continue to maintain a high level of mental and emotional processing that helps me to follow my heart. You all know that my heart is already there, and I'm losing steam with it being so far away.

Hope the coming weeks is awesome . . . for all of us!

10 comments:

  1. Thank you for visiting Live Love and Ponder. I'm glad to know you and your blog.

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  2. I am sorry that this past week was hard for you. You're almost there. The end (of the work with this house) is in sight. I think it's an excellent idea for you to move into something where you don't have to do all the up-keep outside. As hot as it gets in NM (even a dry heat is hot when it's over 100) you will be thankful when you see the lawn guys come by to do the work. Plus, you might get lucky and have a really cute one. :)

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  3. EOTR - and thanks to you, as well. I like to read blogs which challenge me to think, as well as the ones that are just plain old fun. I want to spend my remaining years using every bit of mental exercise I can find. Even we old dogs can still learn new things, although "tricks"" might push my physical limits these days! I'll settle for mental sparring.

    caroline - well, you know how it is, ups and downs are what make the scenery interesting on the journey! That is why I hate driving across KS!! And since I enjoy having friends of any age, and I've also decided that I'm opening my options, uh, in all arenas of my life, so who knows about those gardeners?!?!

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  4. Oh honey, do what is necessary to accomplish your goal and let the rest wait for the new owner! There is such a thing as too much pressure you know? I hope in all that activity you are drinking tons of water too!

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  5. Sometimes I think that as much as we know we need the change and that we want the change, there is still part of us that likes the way things are and appreciates where we are as much as where we will be.

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  6. Keep your chin up and keep reaching for the stars. You'll be there before you know it!

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  7. Please take it easy, you don't want to get sick from pushing too much in the heat. Have you talked with a realtor to see what's needed to really make your house sellable vs. what you think is needed? You might be trying to do more than is really needed. If you don't want/need a lot of space and/or land, then a condo where someone else does the outside work sounds like a fabulous idea!

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  8. Ah you want to down-size and I would give anything for a five bedroom house! I wish you nothing but peace and happiness wherever that may take you. You are such a wonderful person, you deserve it. I am glad Margarita is doing okay.

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  9. traci - Oh, yes, I'm a big water drinker. I always have a glass of water close by, and I get 60-72 oz normally, more when I'm working, inside or out. And that is exactly the plan I have at this time. I don't uncover things now!! I just paint over them!

    ragged - you're exactly right. One of the basic things I learned in becoming a social worker is that while people say they want something different in their lives (and they usually mean it), they will resist, because the unknown is more frightening than what one sees and can predict, even if it's not good. Think of abused children or battered women who prefer being with abusers rather than a safe place. I want to move on and grow, but the familiarity of 30+ years here is hard to shake off. Once the house is listed, I'll be better able to move on with other plans, too.

    old - There is a saying by Brian Littrell that I like and your note reminds me of it: “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.”

    sassy - yes, several. And they've all said about the same thing about what I should do. I'm just a slow learner, I think. It has just taken this long to accept that "as perfect as I would want it to be" is not the standard I need now.

    patti - isn't that the way things go? Hey, move to KC and you can have a 5 bedroom house!! ;-)) But if we're being real here, then *you'll* be the one resisting change (see above)!! Thanks for the kind thoughts.

    Everyone - This house has been "me" or at least part of me for so long that it is hard to see it differently than I want it to be which means near perfect. It is finally in my head, but I guess it took a sledge hammer to get past that layer of memories!

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  10. i am curious what you meant in your response to my comment.

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If you have something to say about it, just stick out your thumb, and I'll slow down so you can hop aboard! But hang on, 'cause I'm movin' on down the road!!! No time to waste!!!