I watched CBS News Sunday Morning today, and there was in interesting interview with Kenny Rogers. I was impressed with some things I learned about him, but one thing particularly struck me in particular. He was talking about how he has gone from one career event to another, and the changes it has made in him. He said, "No matter what I did, I could never be what I was before."
That is how I'm seeing my life now as I work through the grief process. In the last couple days I've thought a lot about something I already knew, but I have just become keenly aware of these things. I'm amazed at what has been accomplished in the past few months, and I certainly thank everyone who has contributed to that metamorphous. But most of all, I'm becoming aware of what I have achieved on my own. I'll save the bulk of that for another post, but to realize the huge positive strides I’ve made in the cosmetic adjustments in this house, in my attitude, in developing my skills and ability to handle things as a single woman has been amazing to me. I’ve been afloat in an endless sea at times, or so it seemed, but I’ve kept the rudder in the water most of the time, and without even realizing it, I’ve navigated myself very close to the shore now.
Kenny is right. I can never be what I was before.
PS added 9/4/06 - Please remember my buddy, Ali, in your prayers, meditations, gentle thoughts as he has surgery tomorrow. I'm hoping, almost desperately, for a benign tumor. I can't imagine life without him. Thank you deeply.
What we were no he is right but who we were, that will always be there.
ReplyDeleteThe grief never leaves.
It’s not supposed too.
You’re supposed to cherish it and keep it in the same spot you keep those precious memories.
Grief is but love, not lost but remembered.
It’s good that you are swimming on top of the water and finding who you are once again.
I really enjoyed this post thank you.
Sorry about the anonymous I have problems commenting on some blogs as me.
Walker
Walker - About blogs, yes I have that problems, too, and in fact most times I come to your blog, I can't even read, let alone comment, because of some irregularity. It is insane.
ReplyDeleteWhat/who - yes, I agree, and I'm glad you noticed the nuance. "What" I was for a long time was not "who" I am. That is the transition I'm making, learning about the part of me that was eclipsed for so long by the "we." It is not always easy or fun, but I'm loving the process and what I'm learning. Life can be amazing, can't it?
Your words about how far you have come and what you have been doing for yourself made me think of this online article about "being your own village"...
ReplyDeletehttp://www.dailyom.com/articles/2006/4671.html
m - what an interesting article. I agree with the message. I don't recall being wary about stepping up to any task I've had, emotional or physical, but once into it, I sometimes wondered if I'd taken on too much. I'd never lived alone. I'd not had to find out what I could or couldn't do, because my family has always been there to kiss my skinned knees and sometimes finish what I'd begun. I missed having someone who shared the daily grind to talk with at times, to get feedback or to pull strength from. The retrospective view is wonderful. I'm both proud and amazed with myself for the level of achievement I've reached. It feels so good to know *from experience* that I am as strong as I imagined.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the note.
YOu have come so far. What you have done in that house is amazing. I bet you never knew you could do all the things you are now finding out you can do. It's fun watching you transform into the person you are now. What a difference in just a year. YOu should be proud of all you've done. There are a lot of us out here that are so darn proud of you.
ReplyDeleteAli is in our prayers. He is such a sweet little guy. I know everything will be ok tomorrow.
I know it has been very hard for you this summer. Believe in yourself and you can accomplish anything. Don't be afraid to try new things, some you may fall short but I bet most will be successful.
ReplyDelete"Those who mourn are fortunate! for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4
caroline - Thanks so much. I just walk around and look at this place and can't believe how it looks. Amazing what one can do . . . in spite of stumbling blocks. Ali has been so sweet and cuddly with me recently. I think the meds have relieved pain and/or discomfort so that he is feeling more sociable. I hope this is a good omen.
ReplyDeletekitty - yes, it has been a challenge in many ways. I always think these experiences make us stronger if we learn from them. And what a reward! Thanks for the note.
You've come so far and touched so many along the way!
ReplyDelete-The Old Lady who also is now having trouble commenting!
old lady - I'm getting more excited with each day . . . and more anxious as well! Thanks, I try to always leaft a gentle touch where I do so.
ReplyDelete