These are random musings of my life journey, the people, animals, places, and events which have woven, and continue to weave, a tapestry that is me. We all know there is no real destination, only the ongoing experiences which blend together, creating the trail. Each step gives a glimpse of what is to come, without allowing me to see the end result. It is exciting. I have a home base that is mine, that gives me a place to rest. This is it. This is where my heart is, no matter where I journey...................

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

A Tough Post Today

First, let me preface this by telling you that this is not going to be my usual upbeat post. I had an experience this morning that sorta took my breath away, and it is lingering with me so I'm hoping that blogging will help release it.

This is a heavy topic. I'm flashing back a couple years to events around my husband's death. We are approaching the anniversary of his death, October 18, so that probably heightens the emotion. I also visited his grave when I was in Alamogordo last week, so that is a trigger as well.

One of the comic strips I subscribe to is "Funky Winkerbean." If you are not familiar with the strip you can get a summary here. This strip is often fun, but it also addresses a lot of "issues." Recently it has been looking at a serious topic. Lisa has breast cancer. It was originally arrested, but returned with a vengeance. It is inoperable, and Lisa chose a few weeks back to stop treatment so she could have as much "quality" time with her husband, Les, and their little daughter.

I've been reading it without a problem, but identifying with Lisa and Les as they move through the stages of her weakening. Recently Hospice has become a part of their lives, meaning Lisa's death is imminent. For those of you who may not know or who might have forgotten, Glenn had lung cancer. And for those of you who walked that walk with me in person or through the Travelog I sent out, the rest of this post might be difficult, so I will understand if you chose to stop reading now. (The Travelog was a way that I kept family and friends up to date on Glenn's condition by updating them via email and was originally just called "updates." Then it became the Travelog for me to let the same folks know where and how I was.)


This was yesterday's strip followed by today's:


Glenn became very weak in the final few days. We struggled to get him in and out of bed, but the night time was especially difficult because his energy was so low. The following was written in the Travelog about two and a half months after he died.


"Some of you know the following events. Bear with me while I fill others in. During the last few days of Glenn’s life, it became increasingly difficult to move him from the wheelchair to the bed at night. We had devised a system by which we could help him to rise from the chair and stand with support, but the process of turning him 90 degrees to sit on the bed was very hard. Once he was upright, he would put his arms around my shoulders, and I held him with my hands on his back. I could feel his body strain as he tried to move his feet enough that we could turn him, but the neural message just wasn’t getting to the legs and the legs were too weak to lift and turn, even just a half-inch at a time. Grandson James tried to lift him into bed, but it was too painful for Glenn to be picked up, even as gently as James approached it.

Finally, one night I said to him that we were going to gently rock as if we were dancing, and I wanted him to really hold onto my shoulders so I could help him turn. We began this, and by golly, it worked! It took a while, but by shifting weight from one leg to the other, he was able to move the feet a bit each time, and we were able to get him into bed.

As we got him rested against the raised bed and the pillows, I hugged him and said, “Hey, remember several years ago when you said we would never be able to dance again? [It had become too painful for him to do even a slow dance 6-8 years before] Well, we just danced!!”

For the following 3 nights, this is how we managed to get him transported from the chair to the bed, until he wasn’t able to leave the bed again. Every night Glenn and I danced. It worked and it allowed us to keep him as mobile as possible. He wanted to be out with the family.

A few days ago I was playing to some “easy listening” from my music library while I was doing some other work. Suddenly, I heard the song that was playing, and it took my breath away. It was “The Last Waltz” by Engelburt Humperdinck. This song meant nothing to Glenn & I, yet when I heard the words, I stopped everything, listened and had the first real cry since his death. Here are the words:

I wondered should I go or should I stay
The band had only one more song to play
And then I saw you out the corner of my eyes
A little girl alone and so shy

I had the last waltz with you
Two lonely people together
I fell in love with you
The last waltz should last forever

But the love we had was goin' strong
Through the good and bad we'd get along
And then the flame of love died in your eye
My heart was broke in two when you said goodbye

I had the last waltz with you
Two lonely people together
I fell in love with you
The last waltz should last forever

It's all over now
Nothing left to say
Just my tears and the orchestra playing

I had the last waltz with you
Two lonely people together
I fell in love with you
The last waltz should last forever"
~ ~ ~ ~


I had the same gut reaction this morning when I saw the "caregiver's mambo."

I don't know if the writing of this will help me, but it's going out there into Blogland, anyway. If nothing else, it can be a reminder to you that life is tenuous and should be lived as fully as possible while one can. For goodness sake, go out and do the things you enjoy while you can because you never know when it may be taken away. Go dancing! Have an ice cream cone! Take a trip! And no, I don't mean to throw all caution to the wind, but take time to make life fun.

Glenn didn't enjoy life a lot in the last twenty years because is health was iffy. But the biggest problem was that he let that be the guiding factor. He didn't do things because he feared the consequence (such as, getting too tired) and he missed out on so much. He lived in an ever-growing cocoon and quit experiencing many of the fun parts of life. Don't let that happen to your life!!!

There is another song that comes to mind right now. Leann Rimes singing "I Hope You Dance." A good friend gave me this CD one time. Thanks, Caroline.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small,
When you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give fate the fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance .... I hope you dance ....
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances,
but they're worth takin'
Lovin' might be a mistake,
but it's worth makin'
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion)
I hope you dance
(Always rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
I hope you still feel small,
When you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance .... I hope you dance I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion)
I hope you dance
(Always rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

11 comments:

  1. I love that song and it was a good reminder for me today. I love the line:
    "Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter".

    I love you and you are in my thoughts today.

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  2. Oh, hon, this is such a moving post. I hope you know that all of us out here will care for you and support you through this time. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

    And thanks too for the reminder to seize the day and live our lives with gusto. I am reminded of the line Jack Dawson always told Rose in the movie Titanic: "Make it count."

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  3. Hello my friend. I must confess, that I did stop reading right around the spot you suggested. Not because I don't care about Lisa's situation or what you experienced with Glenn. But because I just don't do well with this kind of stuff. I watched my SIL pass away from BC a little over 2 years ago...that experience is actually why I started my blog in the first place.

    Lyn, my heart goes out to you. Not only because of what you've been through; but because of what you're currently feeling. Not sure that it would even help at all, but I wish I could give you a hug right now. So if you'll allow me here...please accept this "cyber" hug, all the way from Powder Springs, Ga.

    Take care and know I'm thinking about you, my friend.

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  4. I read through and it brought back many still fresh memories - both the good and the not so good. I'm holding you in my thoughts.

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  5. Caroline - I know that, and I appreciate your friendship and understanding. :')

    Sheryl - Yeah, that is the point ... you just don't know, so dance with all your heart.

    Dawn - It's OK. That is why I gave the warning. I knew it might be difficult or some, but it was something I did, I needed to do, for me. Hugs accepted and appreciated.

    Casey - I knew it might strike too close to you, and if so, I'm sorry. Life's final stage is tough for those of us left here, isn't it? Thanks.

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  6. My parents both died from lung cancer and this hit home tonight. (((Lynilu)))

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  7. Traci - Do you find that there are times when things just roll off, and other times, similar tings just mack you right between the eyes? Thanks for the hugs.

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  8. You will be in my thoughts and prayers today. I know I am a day late, but I wanted you to know how touching your post was and that I am thinking about you. I like the song I Hope You Dance. And thanks for the reminder to live life to the fullest.

    Big Ole Hugs are being sent to you.

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  9. Daisy - That kind of message is never too late, and I thank you very much.

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  10. This was such a moving post, Lyn. You've obviously experienced a lot of pain in your life, and I'm so glad that you've chosen to share it... not just as a release for yourself, but as a learning experience for the rest of us.

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If you have something to say about it, just stick out your thumb, and I'll slow down so you can hop aboard! But hang on, 'cause I'm movin' on down the road!!! No time to waste!!!