Today has been interesting.
First of all, I misplaced some coffee. A friend has a coffee business, and I buy my beans from her. She had some beans that were an over-buy and she didn't want them to get old, so she was giving rather large amounts to friends. So I got several bags of them. This morning I started to make a pot of coffee, and I found only the one bag I'd already opened. I wanted to organize the rest, but I couldn't find them. I was afraid that I had accidentally thrown away the others because she brought them in a plastic shopping bag, of course, like we all do to transport things. I also use those bags to catch my kitchen refuse, and the last time I could remember, her bag was on the edge of the sink near where my kitchen waste is. Could I have grabbed it and tossed it, thinking it was garbage?
What bothered me most of all is that I couldn't .... and still can't .... remember moving it from that spot at all. You know how, if you give it some time, you often will smack yourself on the forehead and say, "Oh, yeah!" Well, that "Oh, yeah" never came for me. Yes, I found them, but not while looking for them. I began to feed the dogs and found the beans in the bag, next to the dog food container in the laundry room. Not even close to a logical place. I still don't remember putting them there and have no idea why I did that. My best guess is that they were in my hand and I just got distracted and laid them down.
Then a little later, I sat down to check email. I started to sign in to Yahoo, and I completely froze up. I couldn't remember my password. Not only that, but it was almost as if I couldn't remember how to sign on by entering the screen name then the password. For a couple frustrating moments I just sat as if I were frozen, with my head swirling in confusion, thinking "What the hell is wrong with me???" Then when I quit stewing about it, of course, it all fell into place and I signed on.
Just forgetfulness, I suppose. But it bothers me when this happens twice in fairly short order. If you don't know already, my mom had Alzheimer's and my brother Parkinson's, so this type of hiccup goes right to my gut. No, I don't think it is a big deal at this point, but I can't avoid the "oh-no" moments at times. I just can't.
The good part of this is that I haven't had any of these moments for a long, long time. My stress is generally low .... except for the economy! .... now that the election is past. But I hate having this sort of thing happen. I can't tell you how disconcerting it really is.
On a positive note .... I knocked a glass off the counter today and broke it to smithereens. How is that positive, you say? Well, I realized that I've passed a major milestone in my journey of learning who I am living alone. I actually passed this marker some time back, but didn't realize it.
What is the milestone? It didn't upset me. I wasn't happy, but I also wasn't mentally flogging myself for the breakage, the clumsiness, the loss of the glass. And why would I get that upset over a broken glass, anyway?
Here's the thing .... in the past, I would have been saying, "Lyn, you klutzy fool! Now you have broken the set and have to replace it, you can't afford this kind of thing. ....." and whatever. Why? Well, my late husband kept me and those close to him off balance so he had the upper hand. If I had broken the glass while he was alive, he would have rolled his eyes, and I would have begun beating myself up. In the early days of our marriage, he would have said something like this: "Oh, no big deal, don't worry." However, he would have then started talking about replacing it, the set is broken, the financial loss, the mess of clean up, etc. Before I could get it cleaned up, I would be feeling like the most inept person in the world. I would be mentally flogging myself. Over the years, he didn't have to say as much. I was trained to punish myself. I just knew I was imperfect. And I flogged myself with less and less provocation as time went on.
He did this with the kids, too. I would tell him that things aren't important, people (the kids) were the important thing, but when it came to me .......
He did a good job on most of us. Allan and I were talking about it just a couple days ago, about how those old patterns still pop up from time to time. Allan hasn't lived in his dad's house since 1977, but the 18 years he was there left imprints that still nag at him from time to time. He is able to laugh about it now, but are there scars.
Today I realized that I've been very relaxed about this sort of thing for several months now. I can say that since I began bringing the little rescues home there has been clearly a marked improvement in my frustration and self-reprisal. Goodness knows that the path of destruction they have cut through this house with the house training, the chewed up shoes, the destroyed electronics cords, the consumed rabbit pelts, and on and on, are enough to cause frustration for even a patient, mentally healthy person. But I haven't been terribly upset with them .... oh, OK, a couple times! .... or with myself for leaving things where they could get to them.
It is so cool to recognize that I am on solid ground and have shaken the mud off my feet! I love that I've passed to a new level of functioning! It is super to recognize this! What a relief to know that I am learning about living on my own and remaining healthy! Good stuff!
Yep, interesting day, and it's not over yet. I'm goin' dancin'!!!