These are random musings of my life journey, the people, animals, places, and events which have woven, and continue to weave, a tapestry that is me. We all know there is no real destination, only the ongoing experiences which blend together, creating the trail. Each step gives a glimpse of what is to come, without allowing me to see the end result. It is exciting. I have a home base that is mine, that gives me a place to rest. This is it. This is where my heart is, no matter where I journey...................
Saturday, November 19, 2011
I donno ....
Betcha thought I would still be gone, didn't you? Well, let's wait and see if the comeback is long term. :)
My “vacation” has probably done me some good. I’ve thought a lot during this time. And I’ve taken a rest from thinking. I’ve talked to friends, and I’ve listened. There have been good days and not so good ones. And it has all been quite nice.
One thing that has come of this may be too complex to really deal with here, but who knows. Anyway, here goes ....
A friend recently asked me if I’ve dated since I was widowed. I said yes, a few times, but all the dates have led to my decision to have those people as friends. A lengthy conversation ensued, and the crux of it was that he asked if I am too particular. Am I? Hmmm. I don’t think so. But I’m rather too close to the situation to be totally objective.
Here is my view .... I have spent a lot of time in my life being what others wanted me to be. Or at least, what I thought they wanted. In the last 6 years, since my husband’s death, I’ve spent a lot of time with ME. As I say in my profile (right over there on the right side bar ==>) this is the first time I’ve lived alone. It has been an experience! It hasn’t always been good, trust me. But it’s been a long way from bad, too.
If nothing else, I’ve found that I really like ME. I’m not different from the person I used to be .... well, yes, of course I am, but you know what I mean .... but this is the first time in my life I’ve spent getting to know who I am. I value the person I’ve recently met. I think she deserves the good stuff of life. I’m deciding Im not willing to settle.
I’d love to find someone who I really want to be in my life. That would be wonderful. However, it would not be worth giving up the person I’ve discovered and actually LIKE in me, just to have a warm body hanging close by. I’m worth more than that. And I think I’m better company that most of the men I’ve met, even if it does mean I spend time talking to myself! So any man .... well, honestly, any person .... who is going to be in my life is going to be worthy of my self-resect.
So many of the men I meet, those who show an interest in dating, seem to be living somewhere in a world with rules that I don’t understand, and honestly, I don’t think I really want to learn those rules. Why? Because the rules seem to be those by which I lived the first (roughly) 1/10th of my life. Those were the rules that had me twisted into a pretzel, trying to please others. Don’t misunderstand, I still want to make those around me happy, but I want to be around people who go out of their way to please me, too.
I’m a little tired of men of an age appropriate for me who expect perfection from the women in their lives. Standing in line at Walmart one day, I listened to two men behind me talking about how attractive one of their wives was. The husband said that it was “too bad” that she didn’t “keep herself up” as she used to, having gained some weight. I turned around and looked, and if either of these men had seen their own toes in less than 10 years, it would surprise me! Hello?? And yet he expects his wife to still “keep herself up”?
That’s it! That’s what makes me shy away from “relationships.”
One thing I must give my late husband credit for is that he never criticized me when I gained weight. A few times he said he worried about my health because of the weight, but he never made me feel bad. That’s the nice thing about growing together through the years; the changes we go through are generally gradual and can be adjusted to a little at a time. Many couples my age have both gained weight or developed wrinkles or have sagging skin here or there, but it is OK because they’ve come to this state together.
Thinking of “dating” as I near 70 makes me cautious because, while I’ve lost a considerable amount of that excess poundage, I’m still overweight. Add to that the sagging skin from the weight loss; skin does not bounce back at an advanced age. There has to be a special attribute to any man I let into my life because I’m not perfect and anyone who stays in my life has to love me for me, in spite of it. We won’t have grown old and out of shape together, so affection must transcend all else (the physical).
I’ve met a few men who are mostly decent about it, but it is clear they just want to be “friends with benefits.” I am not so uptight that I couldn’t have a mostly physical relationship. But I crave affection, respect and tenderness more. Why would I settle for what I don’t want? In hopes that he might decide to “like me”?? Puhleeze! No, I’ll wait, but thank you for asking.
So no, I don’t date much. My friend doesn’t understand that. Of course he doesn’t. He has made comments not far different from those I heard at Walmart, about a couple women in his life. And yes, his belly is prominent, too. Now that I’ve worked this out in my head, I need to have a serious heart to heart with him.