These are random musings of my life journey, the people, animals, places, and events which have woven, and continue to weave, a tapestry that is me. We all know there is no real destination, only the ongoing experiences which blend together, creating the trail. Each step gives a glimpse of what is to come, without allowing me to see the end result. It is exciting. I have a home base that is mine, that gives me a place to rest. This is it. This is where my heart is, no matter where I journey...................

Thursday, March 01, 2012

My winter is over

I'm so glad spring seems to be drawing near. This winter has been brutal for me, so now that we are having longer days and milder temperatures, I'm breathing a big sigh of relief.

I don't dislike winter. I actually like winter a lot. But the last few months have been difficult, not because of the weather, but because of my mental state. I have been beating back depression. It started before winter set in, and the dark days of winter just exacerbated it as winter came into it's full strength. Thank goodness, the long winter nights here are nothing compared to the Midwest. If I'd been in KC, I have no doubt that it would have been many times worse. Here in New Mexico, there are very few times when we don't have significant sunshine every day. I thank that for getting me through at all.

I probably should have sought help. Easy to say in hindsight. But I kept thinking, "It will be alright," and "Its not so bad." By the time I let myself really face the issues, I was actually beginning to recover. And I did, at that time, get help. It didn't take much at that point, but I'm glad I had the support.

The root of it was at work. I love my job and what I do with and for people. I like nearly everyone I work with. There was one person outside that "nearly everyone" category who was causing much grief for others. After a period of time, that person moved on to a different job, and the rest of us began to heal. Then the replacement was hired, and it looked like things would settle down. Briefly, it looked that way. 

And then ....

The newly hired person began to show colors. Bright colors. Penetrating colors. And not pretty colors, at all. Oh, not in front of the boss, but at other times .... it was awful!! And through the winter it became worse and worse. I had no particular problem with this person, but the atmosphere was absolutely poisoned. There were many who were unable to avoid contact and it was mostly negative. That person did not do the job, seemed to be unteachable, and was back stabbing anyone who got in the way, and the angst was awful. Since the person "behaved" in front of the boss, it appeared for a while that others weren't playing nice.

I began dreading going to work. I enjoy my job, but the ugliness was affecting everyone, if not directly, then by the ripples of ugliness radiating from the core of the problems. I did my best to avoid getting in the thick of it, but it isn't possible to be in the workplace and not pick up on some of it, especially when it is a small agency.

I felt tired a lot. I began to avoid some social things, feeling too tired to make myself go out, especially at night. Of course, that deepened the depression. I was less than on top of housework, so having a messy house added to the problem. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera ..... [Did you hear Yul Brenner just then?  :D]

So again, thank goodness much of that is over. At any rate, the increased sunshine, the pleasant weather, and the fact that I'm back on track is very good. I've begun several healthy new practices, and have more planned. The study course will begin very soon, as I expect my books and study materials to arrive tomorrow or Saturday. I'm excited about many things again. It feels good.  :)

Not only has the cloud lifted, but new projects are sprouting, too. I love developing new components. Today the boss and I talked with some folks about starting a cancer support group for patients and families using educational pieces to help people change thinking and life styles. By including allopathic medical people, natural and nutritional experts, practitioners of acupuncture and biofeedback, we hope to be able to direct folks to taking preventative measures and finding healthier lifestyles in the future.

This fits well with parts of my job already underway .... public speaking about Hospice, about aging, and about end of life issues in general. My purpose in all this is to touch as many as I can with information to demystify these topics and redirect thinking into healthier and better informed paths. I guess it's that old thing about "if I can change the life of one person, I will have done my job."

So, I'm back! I had a grueling six months or so, but I'm back on track. It feels good. Onward and upward!!

10 comments:

  1. YAY Lyn! Glad you're feeling back on track. Hospice brings out the best...and worst in people (staff and patients/families). It's unfortunate you had a sour grape and hopefully that person has either turned into a fine wine or got squished.

    I'm seriously excited for your courses to begin! I just love hearing about others educational endeavors. I'm sure you'll have lots to tell us in all your spare time :)

    Glad to see you smiling big and bright again!

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    1. Kelly, thanks! That person has been semi-squashed and has mellowed a bit. Time will tell. I'm personally doubtful, but we all hope for wine!

      Sure, I'll be here, just not as often, I suspect.

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  2. This is great. I love the approaches you are taking to reclaim yourself and educate others.

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    1. Thanks, RET. It feels so good when I know I are out of the morass finally.

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  3. I am glad you're feeling on the up. Long dark winters are awful. And so are difficult colleagues. They poison life for everyone. It's so hard not to freak out about them. I am glad I work at home, that means I only have to deal with people like that at a distance, but thank heaven it has only happened very occasionally anyhow. It is hard when it does, though.

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    1. It has been a long time since I have had to deal with difficult coworkers, at least on this level. I try to remember that every difficult experience is for the lesson(s) gleaned. That is usually enough.

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  4. Glad you're coming out of the bad time.

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    1. Thanks, Linda. It sure feels good.

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  5. Aww I Am so sorry you have had so much to deal with. Your winter and my winter has been interchanged yall have had our snow. I am not complaining. I know when I am depressed I hurt more. Sending some positive happy thoughts your way. Bobbie

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    1. Bobbie, you're right about that cycle of pain and depression. This was the worst winter for my fibro that I can remember. Thanks.

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If you have something to say about it, just stick out your thumb, and I'll slow down so you can hop aboard! But hang on, 'cause I'm movin' on down the road!!! No time to waste!!!