Been thinking of something. I know, go figure. I certainly should have thought of something in this much time! I've thought about the reason my blog is private and limited.
At the time that my former friend was critiquing me, she said that I was sweetness and light here but being venomous about her on FB. For the record, I was posting some venomous things there at the time. This person decided that it was aimed at her. Some of them certainly fit the situation, but my anger was aimed at a coworker. And my release for that anger was to post on FB rather than get into a situation at work that could have been a disaster. To be honest, I was "nicer" here in the blog, while using the FB to vent the anger. There are a couple of examples of about a dozen of those I posted:
I was also posting other things, a lot of them, like these:
The former friend specifically mentioned the "turd" picture as being aimed at her. I said that it was not, that a coworker was driving me nuts, but she apparently held onto the idea that she was the target. In my final correspondence with her I reiterated this and reminded her that "it isn't all about her." I realized that the friendship couldn't be salvaged, and that one reason my apology wasn't acknowledged was that it was already over from her point of view, probably a long while before that moment. While I was in a submissive pose and trying to find a bridge, she was already across it and burning it behind her.
This has given me time to reflect on the whole situation. The social blunder I unfortunately made served as an excuse for her to end the relationship. I'm not sure why, although I have my suspicions. Exiting with the ability to blame me made it easier for her. OK, whatever. That was her choice.
As for myself .... the work situation has changed. The person is still there but I rarely have to interact now. Also, as I got into the studies (healing & pastoral), my perspective changed. I realized that I was allowing the negatives of both situations to rule my life. I can generally find the silver lining in any situation, but I wonder about the personal cost. I'd worn out my efforts on the work situation and had turned to embracing the dark, stormy, lightning cloud. I was fighting fire with fire. As for the former friend, I made a number of efforts to mend the burning bridge, and not one was acceptable, as was apparent by her shift from one unfounded accusation to another as I offered a life line for each. Eventually it turned to flat lies, and that is what woke me up. She was never going to meet me in resolution. So be it.
I became more involved in my study programs. I had been half-hearted about both during that rough period. When I was able to focus on the studies, I found one release after another. I found the positive reinforcement I needed for a new focus. And I began to move forward once again.
It felt (feels) good to be moving in a better direction. The work thing had haunted me for months. The loss of an old friend was sharply painful. That didn't mean, however, that I had to stay and wallow in it. And I didn't. My attitude has changed a lot I won't say 100%, because I think that is a stretch. But I am way up there in the numbers.
I've been able to reflect on this to coworkers and it has changed their attitudes toward the person who was making life so difficult. Actually that person still is a nuisance, but of us have focused away from the problems and began forming a positive team to support each other and move ahead for the good. There is still a way to go, but the workplace has become at least bearable.
One of my tenets is that nothing happens by accident. There is purpose. So, for whatever that reason is, I've chosen to pack my bags with all the positive focus I can cram in, then sit on the bag to close it and toss it in the car to be opened and dispensed along the path. I'm functioning under the premise that what I put out in the world is what I will get back. Call it "karma," or "law of attraction," or simply "the power of positive thinking." By whatever name, it is good stuff. I'm working on catching all negative thoughts that arise and cancel them, replacing with some good ones. It's not that hard; I have lots of positives in my life.
I learned a good lesson, or perhaps was reminded of it. Words, even those in a "canned picture" on the internet, can't be taken back. Words can heal or they can destroy. I didn't use mine well. I didn't even see the trap until my foot was securely encased. Because I didn't direct my anger specifically to the person for whom it was intended, I set something in motion that was not intended. Whether the former friend was truly hurt by what she perceived or used it to her convenience is really unimportant to me, as I should have been more responsible in what I sent out.
I also realize that, while I wish the friendship had not ended so roughly, it was going to end, period. I miss my former friend at times, but I've moved on. More importantly, I've been freed with the realization that had the relationship been right for us both, it wouldn't have ended. We would have found a way through the garbage that exploded at the end.We didn't, it wasn't, so be it.
I'm working on small things, like wiping out the word "hate" as I've used it before. "I hate it when that happens," isn't really true; it's irritating, its inconvenient, I wish it didn't happen, but "hate" it? No. And yet, I put it out there. I hope I'm thinking more carefully about how I interact and what I say that can touch others. I prefer people around me think of my words as caresses rather than slaps.
So think about it and how it might be in your life. Do you give what you want to receive? Do you think before you let those words roll out?
I'm posting more things like this now ....
PS I just noticed something I posted on FB yesterday that relates to this:
I'm good. I've forgiven. It's up to her to forgive now, but I'm out of the loop and moving up, either way.