These are random musings of my life journey, the people, animals, places, and events which have woven, and continue to weave, a tapestry that is me. We all know there is no real destination, only the ongoing experiences which blend together, creating the trail. Each step gives a glimpse of what is to come, without allowing me to see the end result. It is exciting. I have a home base that is mine, that gives me a place to rest. This is it. This is where my heart is, no matter where I journey...................
Friday, July 14, 2006
Bowling Alley Brain
I should be asleep, but it is one of those nights! I have several things rumbling around in my head. It's like a bowling alley in there. I know me. If I get them out, I'll sleep, so here goes.
I've had a number of thoughts running around in my head the last few days. One of the problems with having this many things to do to this house is that I think too much. Thinking is good, don't get me wrong. But thinking is sometimes somewhat crippling. Thinking opens doors, allows us to fly to the moon, helps us make decisions, gets us through the day. It also makes us slam some doors out of anxiety, tells us the moon isn't really reachable, stops the thinking process, and cripples us for the rest of the day. I've had some of each during the last few days.
First, I'm wrestling again with the tasks on this house. I have hit another of those series of unexpected steps just to get one done, and I'm going crazy! I try to accomplish one small job, but I have to do 3 or 6 or 8 other things before I can ge to the one. I find myself discouraged, and sometimes really angry that my husband left me in this mess. Then I have a round of guilt for my anger, and next I'm up against getting myself back to work. I decided today that I *have to* quit trying to do everything *right* and realize that good and clean is my best response at this time. I need to pull myself out of this and get to the next stage of my journey.
I'm also concerned about a couple of family issues which are not open for discussion. Both are weighing heavily on my heart, and it is hard to stay focused on my own jobs while I know others are hurting. Nothing I can do at this time, but I'm definitely a fixer-upper by nature, so these things sit on my shoulder all the time, just yammering in my ear.
On a positive note, I recently reconnected with an dear friend from high school days, and I am enjoying having him back in my life, albeit, from a distance. Not only do we have our history to connect us, but his wife is a Social Worker, so he really understands much of my motivation and reasoning. And many of my shortcomings and limitations, too. It is pleasant that in some ways, we took up our relationship where it left off. We have had a few contacts through the years, but fleeting, perhaps because we didn't need to be connected at those times. At this particular time, he is refreshing for me because he is not connected to the most recent and very difficult years. I almost see this as the first step in the new era of my life, the pull to start me on the new leg of my journey's path.
Another thing I've recently begun to realize is that I'm moving ahead in my grief process. This alone surprises me because I still have a lot of old emotions to work through, and I did not anticipate wanting anything but my own quiet thoughts for some time yet. Instead, I find that I want to be meeting people once again, and specifically, starting to date. Somehow "dating" is a strange and interesting concept at my age and after 31 years of marriage. Perhaps my loneliness has brought this to the fore, I'm not sure. When I talk of loneliness, I should probably clarify what I mean. It isn't that I am lonely a lot of the time or that I'm uncomfortable being by myself. I'm far too busy for that. I'm truly enjoying this time to learn who I am these days. I know that I want to know me for whom I am now before I try to slog through the dating process again. But the aloneness of my life is overwhelming at times. I told a friend recently that I just wish I had someone here to put their arms around me when I'm tired or sad or exhausted or need some simple support. Not having someone who is here for that is what brings my aloneness to bear. I want the kind of friend who allows the space I need.
Yes, I have friends, several of whom have said to call for anything. I get that. But it is different to call someone, taking them away from their own family routine and sometimes to drive several miles for that hug. How I wish I had someone that I could turn to and perhaps say nothing, but to simply lean my head on a shoulder for a few seconds or several hours. That is the aloneness that I feel. I haven't really wanted or needed that for quite a while, and I didn't expect to do so for some time yet. Perhaps because I'm nearing (sort of) the end of my tasks here in this house, I'm becoming more aware that I'm approaching a major change and it scares me. I hate feeling alone. Even when there is no choice.
And then there is that dating (?!?!?) thing. I told my friend recently that I want someone to "hang out with," so to speak. I'd love to go dancing, and to have someone to trade off fixing dinner. Does anyone remember K. T. Oslin, a country-rock singer from the 80s? She sang a song called "Live Close By, Visit Often." That is what I want, I guess. I suspect that most guys won't object to being NOT tied down! The rub is that I truly have no idea what to expect and I'm definitely not finished with being scared to death about it! I'm telling you, when I named this blog, I knew it was the right name. What a journey my life has been and appears that it will continue to be for some time! It reminds me of a really great roller coaster! I love the thrill, but damn, is it ever scary at the same time!