Eight days. Just eight days! I am getting to the end of this part of my journey, and I can hardly believe it. I'm to the stage of making lists so I don't forget anything. Probably an unnecessary measure for most of the list, but I'm beginning to feel so scattered. It helps me to focus my thoughts, so I'll list away!
I have been thinking about so many things in the past few days. Right at the top of the stack of those is that the kids, my kids, won 't be able to see the old house before it goes. Well, the Wichita branch can, but he is the least sentimental of the kids, I think. It has been a good exercise for me to be here these months. I've been able to let some old memories go, enrich some, come to terms with others, and really treasure many more. I have grown in the experience, and I've become more at ease with myself. This last point is, of course, about the most important I've ever tried to accomplish.
For those who haven't read this blog from the first few posts, let me fill in a bit. I've never lived alone until March of this year. I went from my parents home to my first marriage. When I divorced, I lived with my 2 children. Then I married my second husband, and we were together for 31 years. When he passed away last October, I spent 5 months traveling, visiting with family and friends. Since me living alone was a completely new persona, I had very little idea of who the "alone me" was. I'm still working on that, of course, and part of the process was to deal with the emotions associated with this house, our family home for 30 years. I’ve felt several times as if I was done with that, but then I turn another another corner or open another memory laden page, and I’ve been pulled back into it.
I believe this is why I’ve struggled so with the rejuvenation of the house. I’ve tried to do too much, wanting to put it back to the best possible condition. Perhaps I’m just too physically tired now so that I’m turning loose without resistance, but I really think I have finally reached the place of being done with the house. When I say that, I mean “done” in the sense of able to let it go, move on with my life and learn about myself as planned. I look around here now, and there is a bittersweetness about it. But there is no hold on me as there was before.
This process of grief is a challenge. It is so multifaceted that it seems impossible to recognize all the nuances. Perhaps we aren’t supposed to do so. The part that is the “moving on” is really hard. I’m ready to move on, but I don’t know exactly what that means. Oh, I have plans. Sure I do. But they are plans drawn on a canvas that is as itinerant as a mist over a lake on a cool morning. They just keep shifting and changing with the breeze.
My journey appears to be about to take a leap, and I’m eager to go. It will continue to challenge me, I’m sure, over and over. I wonder about all of you. What has been your greatest challenge? Give me some stories to take with me!
Moving on is simply a process of continuing to live while you're still alive. Those who don't move on typically experience an emotional and psychological death, along with their lost loved ones.
ReplyDeletePart of that moving on process is introspection and the ability to let yourself backslide a little from time to time.
There's no hard and fast schedule -- as I said before, it's on YOUR terms, in YOUR time.
And you'll be absolutely FINE.
hugs!
OH, and, a little bit of selfishness is absolutely fine, too.
ReplyDeleteTake time for, and do things just for you.
pat - Good way to say it. I've seen people who have "lived" with grief for years, unable or unwilling to move on because it means letting go. What they don't understand is that we never really quit grieving, even when the life we live is upbeat and happy. That is a very sad way to exist. Not for me!! I try to take time for me. Right now is difficult for me to do that because of the schedule. I'll be back to a better place for myself very soon. Thanks for your warm comments.
ReplyDeleteLynilu - you sound fantastic. My mom lived alone for the first time at the age of 54. Her story is a little different...it was from her parents' home to college dorm to marriage...then kids for decades. My youngest brother is 16 years younger than I am so there's quite a span.
ReplyDeleteAnyway - you're right about grief and the process...and you seem to be doing well.
My greatest challenge? Well, you might think it's this divorce. But really - while it is one of the most difficult lessons I've ever had to learn - more of a challenge to me has been (and will be) to be true to myself and not lose myself again. My marriage - and this divorce - are more a symptom of that problem.
He's still an idiot. :-)
Good luck Lynilu!
jenn - I'm glad you've realized the need to hang onto YOU during this process. The divorce will be over (I promise it will!) and what you have after that depends on your own resolve. I think you are a strong woman, probably more than you realize. Good backbone!! And thanks. I've thought of myself as strong for many years, but this has been my proof. I needed this experience to convince me of what I already knew at a different level. It is rough for us both, but think about how beautiful life is in our respective futures! Good luck yourself!
ReplyDeletePS - yeah, he is!
It's been so neat to watch you transform into the person you are now. I know it was so difficult for you to return to the house, but you have embraced the challenge of getting the house ready for sellling with such strength and courage. It's neat to watch you find all these things you never knew you could do on your own. For instance: who would have ever guessed that you were such a power tool guru? :)
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to reading about all the new adventures you will be going on.
caroline - Wow. What a great compliment. Thanks! "Power tool guru"?? LOL But yes, I've surprised myself, too.
ReplyDeleteYou know I'll be in touch, here on the blog, emailing, phone, and you're going to come visit me, as well as, I'll be back here, too.
Hugs.
I know you will be just fine also. You're an awesome lady and a very wise one too.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest challenge so far is being a Mother.
patti - I pray for you to have no greater challenge!! Parenthood is awesome, but it is also the greatest of all challenges, if it is to be done right. And thank you for the lovely words. May I be able to live up to them!
ReplyDeleteMy biggest challenge???? Hmmmm, my husband and marriage would rank on top.. .but having my mother go to NM instead of FL. . .that's second (hee, hee, hee)
ReplyDeleteanonymous - HA!!! I kn ow who you are! And I know how to find you!! Careful whatn you say!!!
ReplyDeleteILY, baby girl!
My greatest challenge has been my life -- or rather, not letting my past dictate my future.
ReplyDeleteI was a physically, emotionally, and sexually abused as a child. Statistically, this would make me an abusive parent and I was challenged to NOT let that legacy live on in me.
I joined the military at a time when women in the military weren't all that common. I had to overcome a lot of prejudices in that regard, as well as outlive a lot of the stereotypes that were associated with women in the military. I strived to give all that I could in my work, to be the best at it that I could be.
I married, had kids, and divorced. I tried not to let a bad marriage sour me on the notion that love and happiness DO exist.
I came to grips with who I was after living for more than 40 years in "fake skin." Coming out presented its own challenges and, each and every day, we still face enormous challenges based simply on who we are.
And yet, I can still love. I can still look at myself. I can still feel comfortable in my own skin. And I can (for the most part) respect other people for who they are, regardless of whether they are like me, or agree with me, or have the same values as me.
I would hope that this is the challenge that we ALL live in life.
pat - Life without challenges is pretty lack-luster. I often wonder why I have/had certain challenges, but I wouldn't be who I am without them. Some things I dislike most are the very ones that seem pivotal in bringing me certain experiences or special people that I can't imagine being without. You reflect that in your life, as well. Isn't it great to reach that place in life where you suddenly realize that you actually like the person you have become? I hope you continue to live in growth challenges.
ReplyDelete