Valentine's Day Thoughts

There has been a lot of talk on blogs in the last few days about Love / Sex / Romance / Flirting, and various related topics. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, so this is to be expected.

Like many of you, I’ve read these posts and comments, then chuckled or pondered about them. The chuckles came because we humans are really odd characters at times. In the pondering mode, I’ve wondered about why we do some of the things we do in those arenas.

As simply as I could put it, it seems that we partake in L/S/R/F, etc., because it feels good. Part of the feel-good is physical, as in sex. But what fires the rest of it is the energy surge that comes along with it. Who doesn’t love that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling of Love? When someone Flirts, usually both people gets a light, happy feeling that comes from feeling attractive. And Romance is the enormously fun stage of planning and carrying out those plans to set the stage for Love and/or Sex. It is all good, as long as everyone is in agreement (and assuming that there are no other parties who might be hurt).

So it all comes down to energy. We like the sensation of energy coursing through our bodies, our minds. That kind of stimulation keeps us feeling alive, aware of ourselves, and usually encourages us to take steps to continue to attract those vitalizing energies to us. Let’s face it ... if we are receiving attention that makes us happy, we will do whatever it takes to keep the door propped open so that more of it can come in.

So why do we stop taking the steps that bring the happy state to us? Everyone who has been in a relationship for a period of time has probably experienced this. It’s as if one day we wake up and realize that it has been a while since there has been a zing when our partners touch us or look our direction. Used to be that just a simple look may your heart race just a little, but now that person isn’t evoking this. It is probably a combination of things that brings this about ... I’m not really looking into my partner’s eyes to find that twinkle; or he isn’t reaching out and touching me in the way that used to curl my toes; one or both of us have quit “planning” and flirting; daily life tasks have taken a toll on us; in some way, we aren’t putting out the effort to entice that thrill.

Unfortunately,in our society, this is the stage at which many relationships sour. Sometimes it might be legitimate because the thing that attracted us was really a passing flash, and there wasn’t a real foundation for the relationship to stand on. Others, however, make me very sad because the relationship is actually strong but has been muted by the loss of excitement. The couple has settled into comfortable patterns (and that’s not at all bad! **) and have forgotten to keep seasoning the relationship with the fun spices of Flirting, Romance, Love, and Sex! It takes work to do that. And the best of all relationship is one that is balanced with comfort and and electric undercurrent. We need both, but we forget that fact.

We want to be eternally fluttery and tingly. Sadly, many people will just walk away at this point. Maybe it is too much trouble to work at it. Perhaps the issue is that “comfort” isn’t comfortable for all people (we are an adrenaline-addicted society). So there is a break-up or worse, a divorce. Both parties set about looking for the next tingling relationship, and the cycle begins again.

So I’m now reflecting on what makes it work. I have my ideas, and I’ve at least hinted at some of them, but I’m wondering what is your secret to a stable relationship. Share with us. Especially those of you who are in a long term relationship and who still enjoy the curl-your-toes feelings after many years, please tell us what makes it work for you. But even you newbies ... what makes you have the courage and patience to stick it out? Relationships are not easy, and on this Valentine’s Day, I’d like to hear what keeps each of you hooked, now or in the past. Just where does your energy come from?

Spill it!


**One of my favorites is the stage when familiarity has taught him just what I want, and he uses the knowledge along with a little extra from time to time! I see this as “balance,” but I think some interpret it as having lost the zing.

Happy Valentine's Day, all!!!

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An afterthought added this morning (2/14): Those of you who have someone in your life, be thankful for that and use this day as a reminder to count the reasons you keep him/her in your life. I am sharply missing having someone to remember me on this day. I don’t even remember last Valentine’s Day, the first after Glenn’s death. I guess I was still rebounding. But this year, the sweetness of the day is vividly empty for me. If you have someone special, pick up the phone and call ... tell that person you’re glad for her/his presence and all that comes to you because of it.