These are random musings of my life journey, the people, animals, places, and events which have woven, and continue to weave, a tapestry that is me. We all know there is no real destination, only the ongoing experiences which blend together, creating the trail. Each step gives a glimpse of what is to come, without allowing me to see the end result. It is exciting. I have a home base that is mine, that gives me a place to rest. This is it. This is where my heart is, no matter where I journey...................

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Valentine's Day Thoughts

There has been a lot of talk on blogs in the last few days about Love / Sex / Romance / Flirting, and various related topics. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, so this is to be expected.

Like many of you, I’ve read these posts and comments, then chuckled or pondered about them. The chuckles came because we humans are really odd characters at times. In the pondering mode, I’ve wondered about why we do some of the things we do in those arenas.

As simply as I could put it, it seems that we partake in L/S/R/F, etc., because it feels good. Part of the feel-good is physical, as in sex. But what fires the rest of it is the energy surge that comes along with it. Who doesn’t love that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling of Love? When someone Flirts, usually both people gets a light, happy feeling that comes from feeling attractive. And Romance is the enormously fun stage of planning and carrying out those plans to set the stage for Love and/or Sex. It is all good, as long as everyone is in agreement (and assuming that there are no other parties who might be hurt).

So it all comes down to energy. We like the sensation of energy coursing through our bodies, our minds. That kind of stimulation keeps us feeling alive, aware of ourselves, and usually encourages us to take steps to continue to attract those vitalizing energies to us. Let’s face it ... if we are receiving attention that makes us happy, we will do whatever it takes to keep the door propped open so that more of it can come in.

So why do we stop taking the steps that bring the happy state to us? Everyone who has been in a relationship for a period of time has probably experienced this. It’s as if one day we wake up and realize that it has been a while since there has been a zing when our partners touch us or look our direction. Used to be that just a simple look may your heart race just a little, but now that person isn’t evoking this. It is probably a combination of things that brings this about ... I’m not really looking into my partner’s eyes to find that twinkle; or he isn’t reaching out and touching me in the way that used to curl my toes; one or both of us have quit “planning” and flirting; daily life tasks have taken a toll on us; in some way, we aren’t putting out the effort to entice that thrill.

Unfortunately,in our society, this is the stage at which many relationships sour. Sometimes it might be legitimate because the thing that attracted us was really a passing flash, and there wasn’t a real foundation for the relationship to stand on. Others, however, make me very sad because the relationship is actually strong but has been muted by the loss of excitement. The couple has settled into comfortable patterns (and that’s not at all bad! **) and have forgotten to keep seasoning the relationship with the fun spices of Flirting, Romance, Love, and Sex! It takes work to do that. And the best of all relationship is one that is balanced with comfort and and electric undercurrent. We need both, but we forget that fact.

We want to be eternally fluttery and tingly. Sadly, many people will just walk away at this point. Maybe it is too much trouble to work at it. Perhaps the issue is that “comfort” isn’t comfortable for all people (we are an adrenaline-addicted society). So there is a break-up or worse, a divorce. Both parties set about looking for the next tingling relationship, and the cycle begins again.

So I’m now reflecting on what makes it work. I have my ideas, and I’ve at least hinted at some of them, but I’m wondering what is your secret to a stable relationship. Share with us. Especially those of you who are in a long term relationship and who still enjoy the curl-your-toes feelings after many years, please tell us what makes it work for you. But even you newbies ... what makes you have the courage and patience to stick it out? Relationships are not easy, and on this Valentine’s Day, I’d like to hear what keeps each of you hooked, now or in the past. Just where does your energy come from?

Spill it!

**One of my favorites is the stage when familiarity has taught him just what I want, and he uses the knowledge along with a little extra from time to time! I see this as “balance,” but I think some interpret it as having lost the zing.

Happy Valentine's Day, all!!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

An afterthought added this morning (2/14): Those of you who have someone in your life, be thankful for that and use this day as a reminder to count the reasons you keep him/her in your life. I am sharply missing having someone to remember me on this day. I don’t even remember last Valentine’s Day, the first after Glenn’s death. I guess I was still rebounding. But this year, the sweetness of the day is vividly empty for me. If you have someone special, pick up the phone and call ... tell that person you’re glad for her/his presence and all that comes to you because of it.


  1. Well Lynilu -'re right. All of it makes sense.

    I think that, for me, going forward I'll have to have courage to move ahead because it's that middle part you mention that scares me. The part where people give up for whatever reason.

    I feel a little like I wasted some years a sense. I got my daughter so, truly, there was no waste. And I learned a lot...mainly about being honest about who I am. But some of my youth has passed.

    It's a whole new ballgame for me. I'm looking forward to see what your readers have to say. I don't have a whole lot to 'spill' but I know it's really important not to lose oneself in the process.

  2. Jenn - you said: "I feel a little like I wasted some years a sense. . . . . . But some of my youth has passed."

    It feels wasted right now, but in time, you will know even more about what you learned, how you grew through the experience. And the loss of youth ... I sometimes miss that, also, but I wouldn't trade my life experience, the wisdom, the ability to not sweat the small stuff to regain youth. I like being who I am and having few urges to apologize for it! Yeah, don't lose yourself ... that is the biggest and bestest!

  3. Stopped by to say hi...hi!!! I'm wiped out so off to bed I go. I'm glad you made it to and from safely. I'll be back later...after I've gotten some sleep so I can catch up.

  4. After almost 13 years of Matrimony I am still wildy attracted to Stacy and I think we get along much better than when we were first married. It takes work but the "tingle" can be kept.

  5. Your footnote is duly noted dear one.

  6. After 34 years, nearing 35, I can tell you my relationship with BEG has worked because of her remarkable patience combined with her allowing me to be the real me. I never have to conceal who and what I am from her.
    What you say very eloquently here I support and agree with, but would advise readers to understand that in long term relationships that first tug of infatuation will go away. The saving grace is that it can be replaced by mutual understanding and respect. When you combine those two things with the first infatuation you produce love. I think too many flee when the infatuation goes away, only to miss a more bountiful harvest that awaits the patient practitioner of life, love, respect and understanding.
    Why does she tolerate me? Surely, its God's grace....or maybe I might be doing something right now and then.

  7. In the vein of what Seven said (and I do aplogize for monopolizing your comments today, I don't know what's got into me!) the main reason I married Stacy. Because I could truly be myself around him. Somehow even though we are as different as night and day we are also like peas n' carrots. He truly "gets" me. Every boyfriend I had prior to him I always felt I had to "act" a certain way or hide certain parts of myself. Once you find that person you click with you'd better latch on and not let go. They don't come easy.

  8. Seven - You hit it right in the center of my thoughts. One of the unfortunate conflicts my hub and I had were that he hungered for the return of the infatuation while I welcomed the comfort of the "old shoe" of sustained love, or what you describe as the olio of infatuation, mutual understanding and respect. For me that is the epitome of love. I'm so happy for you and BEG to have that. I think it is that which allows us to tolerate the whole person that we have chosen ... without requiring them to be anything but real. I will not settle for less than the real thing from now on.

  9. Patti - LOL! You can play on my momopoly-blog-board as often as you want! Yes, what you say is IT. When you find that person that is "right," one who can tolerate your own weirdness and one who you can honestly LIKE, you'd better do right for you both and appreciate the blessing at hand. I gawr-own-teeeee that the grass which looks greener is simply farther away and is mostly an optical illusion!

  10. I've spent my entire adult life erring on the side of caution when it comes to L/S/R/F. Well L/R and F for sure. It's all a mystery to me :)

  11. Sandra - Well, then maybe you need to step out of the comfort zone! Take a risk! It might be just what you need.

  12. I read this post and I meant to comment yesterday, but we were in and out most of the day.

    I love the stage that Laura and I are in. I love being able to be me around here. And since you were here with us for 4 days you know how comfortable we are around each other. I love that on the days when I don't feel like getting dressed she still looks at me like I am the most beautiful person.

    I also love how we compliment each other. She is always there to help me when I am in a funk, and I am also there for her when she's in a funk.

    I know so many people that get bored when they are in the comfortable stage. To me that is the best part.

  13. Caroline - Yeah, you two are very comfortable and compatible. It is good to see that. I think you have reached that stage more quickly than most couples, and I'm glad for that. I am very sad when I see couples split before they know each other. What an awful waste. The comfort stage is SOOOO much better than the tingle stage; but combining them is the best in the world!!

  14. I was too busy working with M on wedding plans to stop by here, yesterday. Something I learned about too late to help my last relationship was that each person has certain things that make them feel loved. If we can figure out what that is, whether it is physical touch, gifts, or whatever, then we can keep that love kindled much easier. There are a series of books out by Gary Chapman. The first was "The Five Love Languages." He's tailored some versions of it towards children, dating couples, etc. His premise is that if she likes gifts, and I do acts of service to please her, she may not feel loved.
    He goes through them all in his site

  15. I'd say the wedding plans were certainly more important than reading my blog!! I think you mentioned that series of books to me before. It sounds worth looking into. I agree with the premise you mention here, and that is why it is important to be aware the wants and needs of anyone (not just a mate) we love. Thank you for that note. I'll see you in just over a week for that magic day!! Hugs, lil nefu!


If you have something to say about it, just stick out your thumb, and I'll slow down so you can hop aboard! But hang on, 'cause I'm movin' on down the road!!! No time to waste!!!