I have an update on the situation with the guy.
He did call on Sunday while I was in the yard. I haven't called back. I'm thinking about my reply.
He apologized, said lots going on with the family, would like to see me again. Very nice, not overly apologetic, upbeat and pleasant, sincere.
I understand the family thing, again. His 17 year old grandson has come to live with him. The kid has conflict with his stepfather, and everyone felt it might be best. Probably so. The stepfather sounds a lot like my late hub, very controlling and sets others up for failure and conflict. I get that teenagers need time from the adult(s). I get that both he and grandson are having adjustments while learning to live together. I get it, I really do.
But two minutes for a phone call is not a lot to ask. Oh, two minutes for a call in a timely fashion.
So I'm thinking it over for a couple days. I need to decide what I want to do. Then I will call or perhaps get his email addy from his friend and express myself that way. I don't know.
I felt [feel, perhaps?] that a friendship could be possible. Nice man, genuine-seeming. But if this is the pattern that I can expect, I'm not sure I want to put a lot of energy into it. Perhaps I should just cool my jets and let the natural course come about. Perhaps I'm pushing it or expecting too much. But common courtesy is something I expect from any friend, male/female, casual/involved, whatever. I expect my part of the relationship to be as important at that of the other person. Only once I feel that we are on the same page, that basic respect and consideration will be part of the formula, then can I let the natural course take over. Unless I can expect that, there is nothing further to be said.
At the moment, I'm thinking I'd say to him ... take care of what you need to, take a month or three months, whatever it takes, then call me when you have time to devote to developing a friendship. Again, I'll think it over and be sure what I want before I contact him. Then I can tell him my needs and expectations. I refuse to start out with all the emphasis on his wants and needs. If that is the case, I won't be a part of it at all.
We'll see.
I agree with you if that means anything. Its hard to have a one sided friendship when you are the one doing all the work. It doesnt take anytime to pick up the phone or send a thank you had a great time card or email.
ReplyDeleteA two - or even 5 minute phone call - is not too much to expect, nor are you pushing thingss, Lynilu.
ReplyDeleteHe is showing you that he will disregard you when something comes up that he would rather pay attention to.
That you come second, rather than that you desreve equal consideration as a friend. He may be a nice man, but that doesn't mean he is emotionally available for a woman.
I think you deserve more, and you've seen a red flag here.
He clearly thought his behavior was acceptable, and didn't mind disappointing you. That is disrespectful and inconsiderate.
Unless you are totally indifferent - and I suspect you aren't, but you may end up being so, I'd tell him how I felt, and then not put any more effort or energy into him, like you said.
Telling someone 'timely returned phone calls are important to me in relationships, be they platonic or romantic' is clear communication. When you affirm your boundaries, you boost your self-esteem along with them.
((hugs))
i'll play devil's advocate here.
ReplyDeleteif the reason he didn't call was family obligation, you could read that as: "here is a man who is devoted to his family" if you ever get close enough to him to be considered family, he will be devoted to you.
the truth of the dating world is that after one lunch, the person you had lunch with is not equal in importance as a grandson. you deserve to be with someone who finds you important and wants to be with you, however, that feeling grows with time. some people just don't think of courtesy calls after one date. it is harsh and unkind but i think it happens a lot in the dating world.
so. perhaps, he deserves another chance to prove himself. at worst, you find out he is a putz and you dump him after strike two.
ps.. on the other hand, if you are busy and don't have time to waste on this guy, don't bother calling. probably best to judge a man by how he acts, not what he says.
ReplyDeleteRedfrog, that's pretty much what I thought. A couple minutes is all I needed.
ReplyDeleteAnnie, yes, I figured the think to do is to lay the cards on the table. It may seem early to do that, but if there is going to be any relationship, better now than after it's "too late." I'm still considering all the angles.
(M)ary, good points. But let me fill in some gaps. I think I said this in another post, but maybe not.
1. As we left the restaurant, he said "I'd like to see you again if you are open to it." He opened the door to further contact.
2. I replied yes, and invited him to go with me and some friends to a concert the following weekend. I said I know it is short notice(4 days for one and 5 days for the second one), and it is Labor Day weekend, but if you want to go, you would be welcome.I let him know I was interested AND extended my own invitation.
3. He said he would consider it and call me.
He said he would call about going to one of the concerts. He didn't. That is pretty cut and dried to me. And when he left the message yesterday, he said his excuse was weak.
I'm open to giving someone a second chance, but not without "ground rules" to clear the confusion. And yes, I admire his devotion to his family. As I said I understand his situation, and I would put my family first, too. But I would call the other person, regardless of my priorities and say, can't do the concert, very busy, like to see you, will call.
I'm still thinking, and I haven't closed the door. But I'm not going to be a doormat for his family, either, so ground rules need to be placed; mine is that if you say you're going to call me, you call me.
Thanks for the input, everyone. :)
Oh, a PS: This is his first dating experience after his wife's death, and they were married over 30 years. I'm trying to cut him a little slack on it for the stress of newly-dating nerves. I know I have them.
I think you should just lay out what you expect and then the ball is in his court. Common courtesy is not too much to expect!
ReplyDeleteMQ, good plan. I'm not going to rush it. I'm just going to give it a few days, and I figure out how I want to handle it.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree that there should have at least been a phone call. Hang in there...it will all work out exactly the way it's suppose to.
ReplyDeleteA simple phone call would have been nice especially since he said he would call. I feel like MQ. Put the ball in his court. Let him know how you feel. Then see if you hear from him again. As you have said to me before, "It is disappointing when potential friends don't seem to have the same level of interest/involvement. But we can't control others."
ReplyDeletehm. you gave him a specific invitation so you are 100% right, he should have called.
ReplyDeletehe's a weiner.
Caroline, I'm not rushing anything at this point. I used to live in MO; now he has to SHOW ME!
ReplyDeleteDaisy, yes, I will be doing just that when the time is right. I'll listen, too, but I'll also make sure he knows what I expect. Which isn't a lot!
(M)ary, I thought it was pretty clear and specific. As I said above, I'll listen, and if his explanation makes sense, I'll explain my position. Then.....