These are random musings of my life journey, the people, animals, places, and events which have woven, and continue to weave, a tapestry that is me. We all know there is no real destination, only the ongoing experiences which blend together, creating the trail. Each step gives a glimpse of what is to come, without allowing me to see the end result. It is exciting. I have a home base that is mine, that gives me a place to rest. This is it. This is where my heart is, no matter where I journey...................

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

If you had to choose ....

It hurts to watch my brother struggle with the effects of Parkinson's. He is so intelligent, so kind, has always had such a bright wit. That is all still there, but his body is making it difficult for him to fully use any of those attributes. He still has a lovely sense of humor and jokes with us a lot, but much of the facial expressions are now muted. I miss his smile so much.

And I hate that he has trouble communicating his thoughts. His mind is so sharp and he has so much to say, but he has difficulty getting the words out much of the time. His voice is very soft, the words form only with difficulty, and I wish so much that he could still get those ideas to us without an exasperating effort.

He is occasionally mobile, occasionally wheelchair bound. He wants to remain independent as long as possible, but his agility is so limited. When he moves, it is with jerkiness and motions that are concerning to everyone, but we let him do what he can out of respect for his pride and sense of self-motivation. And then one foot doesn't work quite as it should. He falls. And all our hearts fall with him. We pray that he is not seriously hurt, other than his pride, and then he is in the wheelchair for a time. Then it starts over.

This disease is closely related to Alzheimer's, but in reverse. While my mother's body stayed spry and active, her mind was lost in a fog. My brother's mind is still spinning and creative, but his body fails to support carrying out his brilliant ideas. I don't know which is worse.


  1. Lyn, it was so great to see finally meet you. And your lovely sister! My heart goes out to your brother. I can't begin to imagine. But my heart also goes out to you. I'm so sorry your journey up north had so many difficulties and obstacles!

    I hope we can get together again, sweet lady. In the meantime, rest up for the trip back home. Here's hoping the Colorado roads are good to you.

  2. Oh Lyn I do understand and feel your sadness and frustration. Jake and I have discussed this many times. When Jakes aunt lived with us for two years her body was in horrible condition which is why I cared for her. But her mind was sharp as a tack.
    I don't know that I could make that choice. My body doesn't work as well as it used to and I am facing a few possible surgeries. If I had to choose between having a perfectly functioning body while my mind didn't work well anymore or where I couldn't get around at all yet my mind was sharp, I'd probably choose the latter.
    Yet it would be a horrible choice to make. Bless your brother for trying so hard to hold on to is independence. Jake's aunt could have done more but chose not to and just gave up. Love Di ♥

  3. Catherine, I loved being able to see you face to face! And I'll be back this way, I'm sure. I've been thinking, given the hiccups in the trip this time, that I might plan to stay overnight somewhere alone the road next time. Perhaps we can have a more relaxed visit that way. We'll see how it goes.

    Diana, I know. I couldn't choose. Having seem both, I know there is no "good" answer. One thing I can't see myself doing is giving up. I would probably be much like my determined brother, refusing to allow "it" to win until there is no choice. I like his spirit!

  4. That is just heartbreaking. Praying for your sweet brother and for the rest of you also. It's hard to be the one in that position and it's hard to watch someone you love in that position as you well know. So sorry Lyn.

  5. I feel so sorry for your brother. I was always so sure that there would be a cure by now, so much research with no real tangible results. As for me, I want my mind to work, the body will eventually wear out but I want the ability to enjoy what life has to offer even if can no longer participate. When your brother is alone, I am sure he has great memories and enjoys nature and whatever. When your mind is gone, you are truly gone.

  6. Patti, it is, but thank goodness for family. My SisIL and her daughter and SonIL are so caring about my bro. It makes me wish for a magic wand, however.

    Moni, yes, I agree about the cure. It seems there should have been one already. And yes, too, to the comment about memories. I'm sure it is good to have the storehouse of happy reflections. On the other hand, Mom was happy in her "other life" in those late years. She knew no trouble, seemed to be blissfully unaware that we missed her. You know, life is what it is. I just hope I age as gracefully with whatever affliction I have. :)

  7. There is Parkinsons and Alzheimers on my dads side of the family so I understand the question! If I had to choose....not sure. I do know that every time I have a twitch or a forgetful moment I think I am getting early onset parkinsons or alzehimers...I guess there is no point in worrying about it though!

  8. Mary, I know, there is no answer to that question, really. And you're right, worrying does nothing but cause stress. I know what you mean about the "uh-oh" moments in our lives when we have the genetic disposition. Sucks, doesn't it?


If you have something to say about it, just stick out your thumb, and I'll slow down so you can hop aboard! But hang on, 'cause I'm movin' on down the road!!! No time to waste!!!