Just when you think you're dong well, something sneaks up on you, you know?
Nothing big, but it's a pain in the tush. Like this morning when I woke shortly after 4:00 with my sister on my mind and couldn't go back to sleep.
And yesterday when I got a list of reminders of birthdays and anniversaries for the next month. My eldest brother's birthday is 11/14, and the conspicuous absence of my sister, his twin on that reminder.
And when I saw the sunrise yesterday and thought how she would like to see it.
And when I open the computer and see a picture of her. It's not that I would not want to see the picture, but I'm off guard and it surprises me.
And when I think of the Hawaii trip and how I promised her to load the pictures and have her son get her to a website so she could see them and reminisce about her own trip there many years ago.
I'm not devastated, unable to function at this point, not at all; just acutely sad for a few moments when I stumble across the things that tied me to her. I know, too, that it will get better over time, but for now, it's just hard. I miss her more than I want to. I was thinking this morning how nice it would be if we could be truly happy for those who have passed on, knowing that they are in a place of peace. We know that, but "living it" is harder than "thinking it." If the grief process were not so .... grief filled .... it would be nice, wouldn't it? We don't realize how many things connect us with the people in our lives, then when they are gone, these little bits and pieces pop up like those little stickers that we get just under the skin, but can't see or figure out a way to pull it out.
I have things to do, so I'd better get on my way. I'm better when I stay busy and today is a full one. Hope you all have full days and happy times. I'm gonna!
I hope you're feeling better soon. It's hard when you're emotionally drained AND physically hurting. I know what it's like. You're in my prayers. {{SENDING HEALING VIBES AND A BIG OL' HUG}}
ReplyDeleteMy Mother has been gone for a long time now, and I occasionally get the urge to pick up the telephone and call her!
ReplyDeleteYour sister will never be gone from your heart.
Almost every day, I see or hear something that I wish I could share with my dad, (always daddy to me). He would have loved the Natgeo things on TV and the Science channel.Our lives are just too short and sometimes memories are just so painful.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mel. the emotional drain leads to a physical one, I think. Thanks for the prayers and positive energy. I really do need it!!
ReplyDeleteMerikay, I do that, too. In fact, that's how I know they are still with me, in my heart .... those moments when I want to share something, and realize I can't. I *should* be able to share 'cause they're right there in my chest!
Ah, Moni, I hear that. My dad was/is always Daddy to me also. That will never change. Yes, life is short. Way too much.
Reading this makes me appreciate my sisters more. I'll make sure to call them today.
ReplyDeleteI understand Lyn. Yesterday as I was making a pot of coffee, it struck me that the coffee maker was the last Christmas gift my mom gave to me and Jake. It is coming close to a year since she passed. It is the most beautiful coffee maker, really.
ReplyDeleteThat sort of made me want to put it away so I could keep it forever. Sounds silly I know. But you are so right, grief just sort of sneaks up on us at the strangest moments.
Your brother's birthday will most likely be one of those moments but I suspect that your sister will be with you in Hawaii.
Love Di ♥
You are probably right on about the Hawaii thing, Di. I hope she is!
ReplyDeleteAbout the coffeemaker .... did you see my post about my Bonanza? I really didn't want to turn loose of the bond, because it was from my parents. Our sentimentality and our logic don't always fit in the same space, do they?