Thoughts on Tuesday

At the end of our life, we ought to be able to look back 
over it from our deathbed and know somehow the world is a 
better place because we lived, we loved, we were other- 
centered, other-focused.    

~Joe Erhmann, Football coach

I've been pensive since my sister's death. A pretty normal response, I think, as losing someone close to us unsettles our lives and causes us to find new footing in the path. Without that person, the balance of weight in our vehicle of life is different, and if we don't re-balance, chances are we will crash.

One of the things that has played over in my mind is reflected in the above quote. It is important that we live our lives so that our mark left behind is the one we wish to be representative of our lives. I've pondered for many years about what my legacy would be for those left here when I pass on. I hoped it would be that I would be remembered for my kindness and wisdom. Why those?

I value kindness in people around me, and, of course, I know I can't expect to be treated with kindness if I'm not right in there with them, so I've tried to be as kind as possible to others through my life. I haven't always succeeded, sometimes because I plain ol' screw up and am thoughtless. Sometimes I've lashed out in anger. Sometimes I've not understood a person or situation and wasn't kind because of sheer ignorance. It happens. But I've tried really hard, and I've tried to pass that on to my children. I believe in teaching children by example.

I accept people for who they are until they prove to me that they are operating from behind a façade, from behind a mask. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, you're outta my life." I can forgive human error; we all make mistakes. I can't forgive someone who plays on my trusting nature. Up until someone stomps on my heart, my ethics, my beliefs while knowing what they are doing, I'll be that person's best defender and protector. When I know they know they are abusing my kind nature, it's over.

I believe everyone should have the right to their own thoughts and beliefs, and if we disagree, I'll just avoid going to that area of disagreement. Once I see people don't have the same respect for me, I will put distance between us. Believe it or not, this is not usually done with anger or malice. I do it so I don't have to be less of the kind person I think .... I know .... I am. Living in dissonance hurts the part of me that is kind, and I consider that my essence.

As for wisdom, I don't mean I want people to remember me as "smart." Wisdom goes beyond intelligence, in my opinion. Smartness is something you learn from books, not a bad thing at all, but it isn't what is most important to me. When I talk about leaving a legacy of wisdom, I'm referring to the ability to learn from and put to use the practical lessons of life. What I've learned about life, about people, while using my kindness to relate to others is what is important. Smart is knowing it is 20° outside; wise is knowing I have too many coats to wear, so I give one to the woman who is trying to get by with a sweater and a jacket. Intelligence gives me the facts; wisdom helps me use those facts in a way that makes the world better for people, myself included. Brain power brings me facts; combine that with empathy for others and it is something useful and legacy-worthy.

To me, wisdom is paying attention to surroundings and events, and learning what works and what doesn't, then using that knowledge to apply to my daily interactions with others. It means not repeating behaviors that are damaging. It means being the best person I am capable of being, as consistently as possible. It means living in a way that makes my relationships with others as good as possible. It means modeling for others what I've learned.

These ideas are nothing new with me. They've been part of who I am since I was a child. Well, not that I thought about them, especially the wisdom part, as a kid, but because my mother was who she was and modeled these things, I internalized them from an early age. That's what I've tried to do for my kids. I didn't always succeed. My son and I have some "issues" to work out, but I know because of his response to certain things in our lives, that he "gets" it at a base level and is just struggling with how it applies and plays out in our relationship.

I know these practices have been in play in my life because as I've encountered people I knew earlier, they often say to me that they remember me as being one of the kindest people they ever knew. I treasure that. And when I talk to people I've worked with, I often hear how much they learned from me, how much they trusted my directives, and how watching me or listening to me has helped them to perform their own tasks in their careers. Those things make me know I've accomplished my goals pretty well, so far.

A while back I was talking with a friend who is a psychic. In the course of the conversation I asked her what my legacy would be. She was thoughtful for a few seconds and replied, "Goals, change, wisdom." I like that.

What do you think your legacy will be? How do you hope to be remembered?