These are random musings of my life journey, the people, animals, places, and events which have woven, and continue to weave, a tapestry that is me. We all know there is no real destination, only the ongoing experiences which blend together, creating the trail. Each step gives a glimpse of what is to come, without allowing me to see the end result. It is exciting. I have a home base that is mine, that gives me a place to rest. This is it. This is where my heart is, no matter where I journey...................

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Wednesday wonderings

Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself 
and know that everything in this life has a purpose. 
There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.     
~~Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross ,(1926-)  US writer, founder of the hospice care movement


There have certainly been times that I've thought a curse had been thrown at me. My life seemed to crumble around me and I wanted to just give up, quit fighting what seemed to be an upstream swim. One of those times was just recently, and I'm not completely out of it yet.
I've mentioned the difficult things going on in my life in the last few months. It's the breakup of two of my daughters' marriages and the impending divorces with the ugliness that is sprouting and blossoming and choking, leading to the heartache of each of my girls. It is devastating to all of us when their husbands have been part of our family for 21 years and 16 years. It is really hard because I've loved these men, trusted them, and been so thankful that they came into the girls' lives. Now in the past weeks, I'm having to readjust my thinking. At times I've been close to hatred for the hurt they are each causing, and i have had to bring myself back from the precipice of anger to a saner center when I know I don't hate them, but I do hate what they are doing to the girls and to the family at large.

And while I was trying to give both girls a shoulder to lean against, and an ear to scream into, I was also struggling with my own personal issue of realizing my retirement is slipping away too fast and that I need to find a job. Yes, five years into my retirement, I'm looking for a job because I see that I won't be able to stay independent very long if I don't subsidize my retirement income. I've seen this coming for a while, but I covered my eyes and hummed "Na, na na na na," to avoid facing it. I just allowed myself to peek between my fingers when the girls began to fall apart.

For about four weeks, I simply shut down. I felt as if my life was literally coming apart at the seams, allowing my happy retirement to spill out across the ground. I did all the things that you hear about (or have experienced) including wailing "Why me?" and wondering what I'd done wrong to deserve this, and counting my good deeds as if that would set things right.

Then something changed. I'm not sure what it was. Maybe one day I'll be far enough out of all this to be objective and see what that trigger or turning point was. But for now I can't. But everything began to fall into recognizable form, allowing me to grasp it and begin to take control of it all. No I can't change what my girls are going through, but I can and did get off my befuddled butt and actually start looking for a job. I've interviewed at one and have dropped of my application at a couple others, and I feel in charge of my financial destiny again. But the best of it is that I also unbefuddled my butt on another level, also.

Several months ago I had an idea for a business venture that I was excited about. It is a clothing line, simple garments of natural fabrics that would travel well with easy care. But something happened, and I lost my momentum. I lost my confidence in myself, began doubting the project, became afraid of losing money .... and losing face. So I quit. The beginning steps I'd taken were stashed away and when I ran across sketches and patterns here at the house, I sorta looked away.

However, there was something in this recent crisis that stirred me to "go back to the drawing board." I've now taken some of the next steps, including realizing a name for the line. "Gentle Graces," Grace for my mother's name, my middle name, the name of my granddaughter and two great nieces; Gentle for the look of the clothing, soft and flowing. And you know what they say about naming puppies .... name them and they are yours! Well, it's kinda the same for clothing lines, I think!

I'll be taking a job, probably part time, to allow time to devote to the business. That will give me enough to live on while having some time and money to put into the business. I'm excited! I've ordered fabric samples. I'll be talking to a couple seamstresses soon to see what their services will cost. I can sew and I will make my prototypes, but I'm not a seamstress. If this is going to succeed, it needs to be professional workmanship. I'm also evaluating aspects, such as target market, local outlets (I already have a couple), etc. I'm not rushing, but I'm moving steadily forward.

So this is my blessing. It took a major upheaval (or three!) to get me off my static position, to quit feeling sorry for myself, and to get several balls rolling. I'm not easy! I'm not a pushover! I resist with all my might when something tries to make me do something that needs to be done! But as Kubler-Ross says, "There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from." Yeah, a swift kick has helped me to learn, and I'm so glad it came my way, although it was just awful for a while there. And even thought I have a huge blue bruise on my tush!

My girls are still hurting, but now I can be more effective for helping them, and they dont have to worry about me. That's something.


What is one of your blessings, a blessing that was a clear blessing or a blessing that you had to work through to see that it was not a mistake?  If you think it is too long to write about in the comments, do it on your blog and leave a note here so we can follow.


  1. Sending you positive energy!!!!!

  2. Thank you, Mary! I'm good, but I'll never turn down more good stuff!

  3. Good luck in this new venture.

    The only way is can work is if you LOVE doing it.

    Write more in your blog about your ideas. I think your follower will be a good sounding board.

    The economy is starting to rebound! Ride the wave.

  4. I can't wait to hear and see more about the clothing line!!!

  5. Glad to see you talking with a positive outlook....You may have found your niche. Good luck with whichever road you travel!!

  6. Merikay, you're right. To do something like this, one has to love what they are doing. It is something I believe in as a great idea; How I love it will be seen!

    Merikay and Donna, as it develops, I will be posting more. The blog will be a springboard for the internet part of the business.

    Ruth, I surely hope so! I'm eager about it, for sure!

  7. It's good to hear you so upbeat about the future; you have a real gift of getting on with life. Blessings are often there - it just depends on how we look at them. We can even learn through the hard things, but have to let go of hatred - the way you have done. All good wishes in your new venture. Looking forward to seeing pics and hearing about it all.

  8. I guess I feel blessed that I still have a lot of creative energy and ambition at my age, though not so much compared to you. Don't know if I ever could start a business but to come out of retirement to give it a go takes some chutzpah. (Had to look up that word to see if it applies but I think it does).

    Sorry to hear about your daughters. Though people speak of divorce, I really consider it the death of a marriage as it brings out such emotion.

  9. Lyn, all this and the death ofyour dear sister too. I knew you were hurting, but just not why and how.

    This post was a wonderful step in the right direction.

    I'm sending my best wishes for your new endeavor and prayers and compassion for your daughters.

    ~hippo hugs~

  10. Freda, I've learned that It's *almost* as easy to be happy and have a positive outlook as it is to give in to the gloomy junk around me. Thanks for the wishes!

    Dave, I've made a personal promise to keep doing as much as I can, as long as I can. I think that keeps people alive and functioning. As for divorce, it's the death of a life; The life two people (+ kids) have together does die. that doesn't mean there isn't life afterward, but it is certainly something to grieve. Tough stuff.

    HC, thanks for the kindness. It has been a tough few months, for sure. But there have been good things, too, and I try to focus on those to keep me moving. :')

  11. Wow. I've got many blessings but the one I'll tell you about right here has been the loss of my job. I know, I know. Who'd'a'thunk right? I will write about it on my new blog too now that you mention it. Maybe in a few days though. I worked for the school district for 12 and a half years; took some leave due to stress, depression and anxiety; while gone, the boss from 'hell' decided I didn't need a job anymore and fabricated more than one story to make that happen. I was forced to resign and as difficult as it was to come to terms with, I danced out of the administration offices when it was done. WTH? I still don't know what I'm going to do but I have love and am peaceful for the first time in a very long time. It will be alright. You rock my friend and I'm glad to be back so to speak. :-)

  12. Truenorth, I've been trying to figure out who you are, and I think I finally tagged it!! Did you formerly have a blog that had the letters "brrfyyz" in the title? I'm just sure that is you! Hurray!! I'm glad you're back!!

    Yeah, for sure, those sometimes potholes we run into and have our tires flattened often turn into something that slowed us down enough to catch the right hitchhike or to not miss a significant turn to a better road. How lucky is that? I hope your life blossoms now. It's damn high time!!

  13. Yes Lyn, it is me. I'm finally to a place where it feels safe to be again. It's been hard but has become so beautiful. I truly am blessed and grateful to be wanting to write again. Peace.

  14. I'm hung up on your reference to your sons-in-law. I was a child when my sister divorced her husband Michael. She hated him from that point on, but my mother never did. And Michael was present at my mother's funeral. Much more recently, Michael attended my sister's funeral, many hundreds of miles from where he now lives.

    Anyway, I enjoyed reading about how your swift kick got you off your butt. I just hope you have time to continue blogging!


  15. Betty, it's odd to be in the situation. It really isn't in my nature to hate someone.One of my daughters said something about Love being an ongoing thing; if you've loved someone, you don't just stop, even if they hurt you. I think there are many kinds/ways of love, and we just have to figure out when shifts take place. I wonder how my SILs will react when I die. Odd. I don't see either of them caring, but perhaps that's my hurt speaking.

    Oh, I'll blog! Perhaps not so frequently, but I won't stop. :)


If you have something to say about it, just stick out your thumb, and I'll slow down so you can hop aboard! But hang on, 'cause I'm movin' on down the road!!! No time to waste!!!