These are random musings of my life journey, the people, animals, places, and events which have woven, and continue to weave, a tapestry that is me. We all know there is no real destination, only the ongoing experiences which blend together, creating the trail. Each step gives a glimpse of what is to come, without allowing me to see the end result. It is exciting. I have a home base that is mine, that gives me a place to rest. This is it. This is where my heart is, no matter where I journey...................

Thursday, May 26, 2011

I miss my sis

I do. I miss her a lot.

The last couple days she has been on my mind a lot. Perhaps it is because I'm not feeling up to par, and I would love to have someone to lean on, to empathize with me. Even though her health would have limited her abilities to "help" me, it would be nice to have someone here to talk to who gets me at most levels. I'd even settle for being able to call her and whine a little.

I actually wrote that several weeks ago, but I couldn't take it any farther. It has sat in my "drafts" and reminded me every day.  And today, I'm not up to par, either. I think I need to process this and get it out.

When I say I'm not up to par, it doesn't mean I'm sick. In fact, I'm physically better than I've been in a while. Ive been dealing with health issues since shortly after I started to work. Nothing that stopped me from working, but just kept my system off kilter. I have had diverticulosis (meaning it was inactive) for many years, then it became diverticulitis (the active state) in February. It was triggered by stress, I'm sure. Learning a new job, concerns about my two girls going through divorces, the mess in the house which I lived with for two months after the water heater saturated everything, and a number of other small things that alone aren't important, but together make for a messy undercurrent.

And this morning I woke with just a blech feeling. My body is actually back on a good, normal track in the last few days. Everything is functioning as it should again. My appetite, which has been way off for all these weeks, is back and I'm enjoying food, and even enjoying cooking again. I've eaten a lot of crap meals because I didn't feel like cooking and nothing appealed to me. I would guess it will take a little longer for my internal balance to be restored. (You can't have 3 months of diarrhea without electrolytes and other balances being whacked.) No, it's not just my body, but I think I'm having a mild depression. It is possibly just a physiological reaction to restoring my strength and internal health that has bled over to the psychological.

It seems like many things are hovering over me and causing concern. Most of it is not big, but the combined effect is overwhelming. So much so that I'm still in bed at 8:45, on a day that I need to be up and at 'em. I have so much to do in the next week, getting ready for the trip to Mexico. But I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with it all, and my response, as usual, is to hide my head like an ostrich. Oh, yeah that's gonna help, isn't it???

This is another of those things about being alone. And being old. When you're alone, there is not someone to lean on when you're sick or just feeling "blue." I'm reluctant to bother others with my stuff. I know, I know!! If you're thinking about saying to me that I could have called you or dropped a note and you'd be happy to  .... etc etc. etc. Save it! You know you're much the same way. We stalwart Americans don't like to "air our dirty linen." Blah, blah, blah. But it is true most of the time.
  • I really do miss Sis. It has been heavy on me of late. I'm not sure why, but that's how it is.
  • I'm tired of having the full worry of my life on my own shoulders, no one to share that burden. Every decision is fully mine. Every financial crunch is fully mine. I go to work and there is no one home with my pups if something goes wrong. It just stinks to have no one to share the load, to talk it over with, to feel some lightening of the burden of making life work.
  • I've realized that I'm an invisible citizen nowadays. Seriously, older people are looked over, looked past, looked right through. I remember my dad getting snitty about being ignored except when they asked if he wanted the senior discount. I get that. I meet people 2-3 times and they introduce themselves to me yet again! Perhaps I was "the pretty one" for too long; people remembered me. Now I'm "greying" right into the background, and it is depressing.
  • I'm sad about many things: divorces; the economy; the inane weather conditions all over; that I don't have the strength and stamina I used to; having many little home tasks that I can't complete (either ability or cost); friends dying (far too often at this age); and on and on.  And on.
So I'm having a "poor me" day. I hope that getting this out will clear the air for me, help me to refocus. My life is actually very good by most standards. I think as much as anything, it irks me that I can't put my finger on why I'm in this state. Something can't be "fixed" until it is understood where, how, what is broken!  I understand the general situation of it all, but the why of it eludes me, or the how to fix it certainly does.

So there you are. I'm in a state. It will pass. Been here before, and it always does pass. I just hate that my typically positive state is just beyond my finger tips at this time. Guess I'd better get up and feed the dogs. After all no one else will!  [grin] Yes, the sense of humor is still here, just has to be ferreted out of hiding. 

Have a good weekend, everyone.  And thanks for listening.


  1. I am 60, and in similar circumstances. I thought I was alone, until I read your post. Thank you for being so open, because you spoke what I have been thinking, and not saying, for so long now. I finally have accepted who I am and what I am and where I am in this life. Boy, did it take a LONG time. But now I can spend my time on other things.

    I miss my sister, too, except she is still alive. She is mentally ill, and for some reason she hates me. No one knows why. So, instead of having someone to talk to, I have to defend myself against her. I would dearly love to even have a memory of a good sister, a friend who listened and cared. You are so blessed to have had someone like that in your life.

  2. Kris, I'm so glad to read your comment. I was afraid my post would elicit "poor baby," and I do not want that. I was just releasing.

    I think it is true of many people in ages like ours. I'm happy being who I am, living where I do, the relationships I have; but there is a missing piece. I wouldn't "settle" for a relationship that is less than I want just to have company or to take half the "stuff." But I hope one day to find someone who will be a true partner to share the joy and the burden. We'll see what happens.

    I'm sorry about your relationship with your sis. Let me lapse back into my counseling self for a moment and say this: If your sister has mental illness, she needs no further reason to hate you. Sometimes that just comes with the illness. I wish it could be a more reassuring message, but it doesn't always happen as we wish when there is a third entity (mental illness) in the relationship. I wish you luck with her. Or I wish you at least peace. :')

  3. I think you're just in a "down" in the ups and downs of life. I feel that same way too from time to time. I'm getting older, things don't work like they used to, I can't do things I used to do. And on top of that you have family going through really tough times and you can't help them. Having a serious illness makes everything worse and adds to depression too.

    It's good that you have your furry family to keep you company and give you some comic relief. Maybe you just need a weekend where you don't worry about all you have to do and just rest and relax. It will all still be there when you're feeling better.

    And did I miss you talking about going to Mexico?? What's that all about?

    I'm keeping good thoughts that you will be on the UP side soon! :-)

  4. Deb, I talked about the trip to Mexico several months ago. My daughter-in-law is from Oaxaca, Mexico. My granddaughter is going to be 15 this summer, and a quinceanera is going to be held for her this summer. I'll try to post about it in a few days, for sure when I return!

  5. I often feel alone and depressed even though I have a husband. I feel alone because I can't share every thing in my mind with him.

    I have no financial problems, but there are many projects I cannot do because they require input from him. They will be done eventually. I get frustrated because I can't make the decisions.

    Although I am not taking it right now, I found daily Prozac was quite nice. It kept me from taking a lot of little things to seriously and kept the depression at bay. My husband called it "the nice wife medicine."

    There are some days I wish I was still on it.

    Although at first it was proscribed, I bought it in Mexico without a prescription for several years because I didn't want it on my medical records when we were applying for individual insurance.

    But then if the sun will ever come out, maybe we will all feel better.

  6. Merikay, first I'm laughing at the last line, because the sun finally QUIT shining long enough to rain here, and I'm delighted!! LOL! I crave sunshine, but we are in such dire need of moisture that I'm smiling at the clouds today!

    I've taken Prozac, too, but this is likely a short term thing. It will pass, and it helped to simply "write it out loud" since there is no one here to say it out loud to!


If you have something to say about it, just stick out your thumb, and I'll slow down so you can hop aboard! But hang on, 'cause I'm movin' on down the road!!! No time to waste!!!