I do. I miss her a lot.
The last couple days she has been on my mind a lot. Perhaps it is because I'm not feeling up to par, and I would love to have someone to lean on, to empathize with me. Even though her health would have limited her abilities to "help" me, it would be nice to have someone here to talk to who gets me at most levels. I'd even settle for being able to call her and whine a little.
I actually wrote that several weeks ago, but I couldn't take it any farther. It has sat in my "drafts" and reminded me every day. And today, I'm not up to par, either. I think I need to process this and get it out.
When I say I'm not up to par, it doesn't mean I'm sick. In fact, I'm physically better than I've been in a while. Ive been dealing with health issues since shortly after I started to work. Nothing that stopped me from working, but just kept my system off kilter. I have had diverticulosis (meaning it was inactive) for many years, then it became diverticulitis (the active state) in February. It was triggered by stress, I'm sure. Learning a new job, concerns about my two girls going through divorces, the mess in the house which I lived with for two months after the water heater saturated everything, and a number of other small things that alone aren't important, but together make for a messy undercurrent.
And this morning I woke with just a blech feeling. My body is actually back on a good, normal track in the last few days. Everything is functioning as it should again. My appetite, which has been way off for all these weeks, is back and I'm enjoying food, and even enjoying cooking again. I've eaten a lot of crap meals because I didn't feel like cooking and nothing appealed to me. I would guess it will take a little longer for my internal balance to be restored. (You can't have 3 months of diarrhea without electrolytes and other balances being whacked.) No, it's not just my body, but I think I'm having a mild depression. It is possibly just a physiological reaction to restoring my strength and internal health that has bled over to the psychological.
It seems like many things are hovering over me and causing concern. Most of it is not big, but the combined effect is overwhelming. So much so that I'm still in bed at 8:45, on a day that I need to be up and at 'em. I have so much to do in the next week, getting ready for the trip to Mexico. But I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with it all, and my response, as usual, is to hide my head like an ostrich. Oh, yeah that's gonna help, isn't it???
This is another of those things about being alone. And being old. When you're alone, there is not someone to lean on when you're sick or just feeling "blue." I'm reluctant to bother others with my stuff. I know, I know!! If you're thinking about saying to me that I could have called you or dropped a note and you'd be happy to .... etc etc. etc. Save it! You know you're much the same way. We stalwart Americans don't like to "air our dirty linen." Blah, blah, blah. But it is true most of the time.
- I really do miss Sis. It has been heavy on me of late. I'm not sure why, but that's how it is.
- I'm tired of having the full worry of my life on my own shoulders, no one to share that burden. Every decision is fully mine. Every financial crunch is fully mine. I go to work and there is no one home with my pups if something goes wrong. It just stinks to have no one to share the load, to talk it over with, to feel some lightening of the burden of making life work.
- I've realized that I'm an invisible citizen nowadays. Seriously, older people are looked over, looked past, looked right through. I remember my dad getting snitty about being ignored except when they asked if he wanted the senior discount. I get that. I meet people 2-3 times and they introduce themselves to me yet again! Perhaps I was "the pretty one" for too long; people remembered me. Now I'm "greying" right into the background, and it is depressing.
- I'm sad about many things: divorces; the economy; the inane weather conditions all over; that I don't have the strength and stamina I used to; having many little home tasks that I can't complete (either ability or cost); friends dying (far too often at this age); and on and on. And on.
So there you are. I'm in a state. It will pass. Been here before, and it always does pass. I just hate that my typically positive state is just beyond my finger tips at this time. Guess I'd better get up and feed the dogs. After all no one else will! [grin] Yes, the sense of humor is still here, just has to be ferreted out of hiding.
Have a good weekend, everyone. And thanks for listening.