These are random musings of my life journey, the people, animals, places, and events which have woven, and continue to weave, a tapestry that is me. We all know there is no real destination, only the ongoing experiences which blend together, creating the trail. Each step gives a glimpse of what is to come, without allowing me to see the end result. It is exciting. I have a home base that is mine, that gives me a place to rest. This is it. This is where my heart is, no matter where I journey...................

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I'm a little bit back

Here is a wee small post. I doubt it will be long, 'cause I'm still "recovering" from my anti-electronic-media hiatus.

A bit of an explanation .... over the past couple months, it has seemed that my communication was a mess. I was having difficulty in several areas (work, friends), and try as I might, I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I was being misunderstood and frankly attacked in some areas, and nothing I did to try to set things right worked. It was difficult for me, because communication has always been a strength with me. I'm not perfect, and I've miscommunicated my fair share, but generally speaking, my skills are high level. I was really frustrated, spending hours going over emails and analyzing the syntax and context, reviewing verbal conversations as well as I could, looking for my errors.

I finally got to the point of saying to myself, "It might not be the rest of the world; It just might be ME." I used to say that to my husband when he was difficult; I guess it has come back to bite me! Seriously, when it seems that I am the one with misunderstandings in several arenas of my life, I am the obvious common denominator. But several people I turned to to help sort this out couldn't see the problem, either. I couldn't figure it out. I still can't.

I couldn't blame Mercury in retrograde this time, because although most of it became a problem around the time in July and August when he was coming into the stage, it all lasted loooong past. I will probably never know what was going on. I just have to rest my faith on the words of the few confidants who read and also heard my verbal communications and assured me that I wasn't obtuse or unclear.

The good news is that most of the problems areas have resolved or at least greatly improved. However, I was at the end of my rope and just couldn't deal with "the rest of the world," thus my sabbatical.

I've also been dealing with my emotional junk exacerbated by this. When things are not right in my life, I have no one to come home and talk it over. Yes, I have friends and family who are probably thinking, "I would listen," but the truth of the matter is that we all need that special someone who is present to hug or touch, someone who is on our side, even if we are wrong. I just don't have that. I'm not willing to "settle" for less than the right person, so I just have a big gaping hole in that zone of my being. Someday, maybe, but not now.

There is something about not having that "up close and personal" cheerleader that limits our ability to resolve things. I miss that.

So anyway, I'm back, sorta-kinda. I don't know how often I will post here, but I'm sure I'll be more active before much longer.  Sigh. Life is challenging at times, isn't it? As I tell others, the challenging times are the ones that make us grow and blossom. Guess I should listen to my own words!

C'mon, growth and blossoming! I'm ready to be all that I can be .... without challenge, of course!! LOL!

~    ~   ~   ~


Note added:

Isn't it amazing sometimes how things happen?



I just had an amazing, hour long conversation from a dear and respected colleague from "a different life," who called for my opinion, advice, and supervision about a tough situation. Talk about affirmation! Perhaps I'm not crazy!  :)

13 comments:

  1. For me the biggest problems are with the person I should be most comforted by. My husband.

    Does this mean he is not a good mate? No. But we are not always on the same wave length.

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  2. Sometimes when you try and try, the problem may arise from inside those who are operating under some form of personal stress that distorts reception of your communication. I am glad things have resolved.

    And that person with the healing hugs is a blessing and you are so wise not to settle. Even a little bit back is welcomed. Take time needed to care for Lyn.

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  3. I'm still on vacation,but I had time to read your post and had a few thoughts on what you had to say. I think blogging and social media can put a lot of pressure on us because of the instant feedback. It is a complex thing because we feel connection in social media, but the real flesh and blood connection is lacking and missed. It is easy to miss social cues in social media.

    I have FB "friends" who barely speak in public. Awkward! I don't quite get that. I hope things level out for you soon.

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  4. Thanks for sharing what's been going on. Have been wondering about you and hoping whatever "fog" you were wandering through wasn't too thick. :)

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  5. I know what you mean about having that someone special to come home to. For years I was coming home to an empty house and you are right...friends are great to talk to, but it's also wonderful to have that one person that is there when you get home and you can talk with them or they can just hold you while you try to figure everything out. I know one day you will find that person and it will all make sense why the others didn't work out. Hang in there...just a little over a week and you will have a wonderful break/vacation in Colorado!!!!

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  6. I'm sorry you have been having a discouraging time. Sometimes everyone does seem to misunderstand. It does make a difference to have someone to talk it over with and get into perspective, but I am so glad that your colleague validated you after you had posted that. And I hope that things get easier soon.

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  7. It sounds like one of those phases we go through that we just can't seem to control. Emotionally or physically, they can be equally frustrating.
    I have found that even with the right person to sound off to, it doesn't always help whats eating at us internally. Time has always seemed to be the best answer for me. I am having trouble with all of this lack of energy and stamina crap, it's really driving me insane! I know that time is the answer it's just my patience that is wearing thin.
    Things will turn around for us both Lyn. Love Di ♥

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  8. Y.O.U. are certainly not crazy!

    You are so much like my sister in your circumstances and life... the two of you should live together so you could talk!!! But, alas, she lives in Maryland and you are in New Mexico.

    I don't know about the planet stuff... but I'm hoping the peeps giving you a pain in the patootie find someone else to pick on soon. You know they will!

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  9. Merikay, I understand that. I've had friends like that too .... great friends, but it was necessary to learn to tolerate each other at times.

    LC, you know, it's an odd thing. I understand exactly that dynamic with my years as a psychotherapist. The thing is, no matter how well you understand it, when you're part of it, it feels out of control! sigh. And no, I won't "settle." The remainder of my life will be with someone quite special or remaining alone. I've "settled" in the past. Never again. As much as I'd love a companion, it won't be that way. :)

    RET, I agree with you. There are people who have "friended" me on FB, and I think, "Oh, good," and then they remain cool in public and rarely comment on FB. I'm left thinking "Why?" Silly me, thinking they want to interact! LOL!

    TYR, you're welcome. I needed a few days to mellow, but then I knew people would be wondering. I always do when someone disappears as I did. The fog was thick, but not impenetrable!

    Caroline, yep, that's it!! But as I said above, having the wrong person is worse than being alone .... something you know about, too. :) A week tomorrow!!

    Steve, I'll check it out.

    Jenny, that telephone conversation, over an hour long, was a god-send. I was already feeling much better, but that lifted me a lot, and he knew nothing of my struggle! It was serendipitous!

    Di, you're so right. I knew all along that it was a phase, just a tough period, but knowing that doesn't change the weight of it. And I know you know that, too. Yes, things will turn around for us both! :)

    MM, hey, I've thought about a housemate! If your sister doesn't mind moving a few thousand miles west, tell her to get in touch with me! chuckle! Tell her I have one of the most spectacular views in the world! Those troublesome peeps have calmed down, and have actually been very cooperative and productive lately. All I can say is that we all get wonky from time to time, myself included, and I seemed to have a "grumpy magnet" strapped to my back for a while!

    EVERYONE, thanks! I have the best bloggy friends in the cyber world!

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  10. So many times when we share a problem or concern with a spouse, friend, etc, they think that they want them to solve that problem...to fix it. But all we want is for them to listen, just listen. It is soooo hard to find someone who will just do that.

    What we need is a listener, not a fixer, not a judgement....just someone to tell us that we are OK....and it will be ok.

    I hope and pray that you will find just that person....

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  11. Glad to see you're kinda sorta maybe back :)

    Take whatever time you need. When it rains, it pours. It seems like if you have troubles in one area, five more areas are soon affected. It's hard not to take it personally and let it really affect you.

    Just know you're amazing and you have a lot of friends, all real, just some not physically with you. I know that doesn't replace having a someone to touch and hug and hold, but you aren't ever alone in spirit.

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  12. I'm sorry you have been feeling bit iffy and lacking self confidence.
    It happens to the best of us.

    Hope you're soon back on form and as easy and relaxed in blogland as I have seen you up to now.

    Good luck.

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If you have something to say about it, just stick out your thumb, and I'll slow down so you can hop aboard! But hang on, 'cause I'm movin' on down the road!!! No time to waste!!!