These are random musings of my life journey, the people, animals, places, and events which have woven, and continue to weave, a tapestry that is me. We all know there is no real destination, only the ongoing experiences which blend together, creating the trail. Each step gives a glimpse of what is to come, without allowing me to see the end result. It is exciting. I have a home base that is mine, that gives me a place to rest. This is it. This is where my heart is, no matter where I journey...................

Monday, June 04, 2007

A Deep Thought Moment

A few weeks ago I ran across some old journals. I didn't even open them, but put them in a box "to be sorted later." Then recently I opened them because I wanted some information. I know the date my father died, May 18, 2000. I think I remember it because he was 90 years and one month exactly. This is a bit strange, I guess, but the day my mother died is, for some reason, very hard for me to recall. I know now, because I looked it up, that her departure was on June 9, 2000. That is three weeks and one day after Daddy was gone. It seems to me that the date of her death is less concrete to me; my mom, the lovely lady who I loved so much, was gone from that body a long time before the body quit working. Oh, I'm sure there was some part of her in there, but it was no longer connecting with us. We had said goodbye long before. But that something was there, because somehow she knew that Daddy was gone. She quit taking food or water right after his funeral, and I'm sure Mama wanted to be with her sweetheart. Something was there. Anyway the date of her death was the information I was looking for when I opened the journal.

I read my entries from back then, several months before they died and for several months after. I hadn't read them before now. I relived some of that period of my life, and I really cried my head off. There were a lot of things that I wrote about and of which I have absolutely no memory at this time. Even reading those entries didn't bring it back. It's so strange, almost as if I were reading about someone else's life. I needed to read that for some reason. Perhaps I needed to know just how numb I was for some time after their deaths. I don't know.

Then I skipped ahead five years and read about the months preceding and following my husband's death. Those entries were so different. I remembered every detail leading to those entries. I suppose I was just in a different place emotionally, in a different role. I wasn't the main caregiver for my parents; two of my brothers were. With my husband, I was his sole caregiver until the last month, and I guess I had to keep my wits about me because of the monitoring of food, treatment, medication, schedules, and everything else that is involved in that process. I couldn't avoid the process. Or my feelings. I cried at this, too, because I was so overwhelmed, sad, angry, and a few other things, that I was in a mechanical state during those months. I didn't really begin to absorb the reality of it all for about six months after his death.

Why am I writing this? I'm not sure. It is just that the experience was so strange and powerful that it has been on my mind for the last few days. Grief is a strange critter. It comes and goes. It gets better over time, but I don't think it ever goes away completely. I'm still grieving my grandmother who died in 1965, but it is mellower now than is the grief for my parents. I'm also grieving for five little babies I lost before they could be born nearly forty years ago. That, too is less painful now than it was back then. But it is still there.

We all have our own grief to deal with in deaths, failed relationships, loss of health, or whatever. We each deal with it in our own way. Every now and then, one of these hit me, and I just have to give in to the tears for a while. I hate that, but I must say that I feel much relieved afterward. I have a tendency to bottle my emotions. It's almost as if each of these in-the-face events is the release of fizz when a bottle of soda is opened.

I've been a bit mellow today, and frankly, low on energy. However, I'm willing to bet that tomorrow will be just the opposite. I'll probably have a good store of energy and get a lot done. Now that I'm de-fizzed, I'll be a busy bee. That's a very good thing!! I have a lot of unpacking still to do!!

~ ~ ~ ~

PS later in the evening -

Awwwwww. We had some thunderstorms this afternoon and evening. Ali did pretty well, but he was emotionally exhausted. He always crashes after storms.............

He was curled up on the pillow beside me for about two hours. It ain't easy being a dog!

Note to self: Gotta find someone to recover that couch!!!!!!!!

~ ~ ~

6/5/07 @ 10:30
I just received a call from my daughter. She called to let me know what we've all known was coming. They've made a decision to allow Margarita, the little precious dog we all prayed for a few months back, to cross the Rainbow Bridge. She and the family she owns have made valiant efforts to keep her healthy, but the battle is too much for them all. Margarita, who is my Ali's daughter and look-alike, should weigh about ten pounds, but she is now around five. She is losing hair when they pet her, and her strength is limited. The cause of her health decline has never been determined. Her family, myself included, loves her so much for her wonderful happy spirit, her endless ability to love, her (former) boundless energy and her eternal puppy-like quality. But enough is enough. She needs to be at peace, out of discomfort. She will be greeted over the bridge by her mommy, my own Mai Lin who crossed last fall. Please keep us all in your prayers, as the next few days will be very difficult. :'(


  1. I am like you. I feel that grief comes and goes but it never truly goes away. I still grieve for the set of twins I gave birth to 24 years ago and then had to bury. I also grieve for a dear sweet friend who totally wrote me off. We both said stuff over something totally ridiculous. I MISS my friend. I have tried to get in contact to no avail.

  2. It's true, isn't it Lynilu ?

    Sometimes grief is sharp, sometimes vague, it can come and go, and is often cathartic to cry over and then feel relieved afterwards...

    We are a collection of our memories and the things that matter to us...

    5 babies, Lynilu ???? Oh My... I am sorry that they did not get to know you as a Mother --
    (My adopted Mom had 4 miscarriages before she adopted me...)

    Ali looks adorable, even recovering from her storm shakes !!!

    Loving Annie

  3. Daisy - Wow, I had a friend like that, also. We were inseparable for years, then a really stupid thing happened, and ... poof. Sad, isn't it? I'm so sorry about your babies. That's a tough one.

    Annie - Although it is sad at times, that collection of memories is so precious, isn't it? I'm glad your adoptive mom took you. She knows.

  4. It's true grief does come and go but it never does go away. You always grieve for the ones you love. Good post Lynilu and great pics of your handsome guy on the sofa!

  5. Patti - Love doesn't stop when the body quits working.

    Isn't he a cutie? My boy.

  6. Grief. Waves of it...over time. Always takes me by surprise when it comes again. My recent grief-related struggles come from knowing that it's just something to live through...there's no shortcut. I don't know why that is...but it causes Strange, eh?

    So sorry about your daughter's dog.

  7. Jenn- You said it, for sure, there are no short cuts. A quote I've referenced before that came to me following my husband's death is invaluable, I think, and it echoes your words, too: There is no way out -- only a way forward. Micheal Hollings. Whatever it is that causes us pain, it must be lived through. Strange? I donno. It just is what it is.

    Thanks. We are all getting through this as we can.

  8. I have no real words - just a big cyber-hug. I'm sorry you are hurting.

  9. Thank you, Casey. I know your own recent life experiences are fresh wounds, and I appreciate your cyber-hugs.

  10. Oh, Lynilu -- my heart goes out to you and your daughter and to Margarita --
    Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for the next few days.
    Cyber hugs/Genuinely,
    Loving Annie

  11. Some days I just yearn for a short cut. But I know better.

  12. Annie - TL, her family, and I thank you for that. These times are just rough to get through; there is no easy way. thanks for the prayers and cyber hugs.

    Jenn, I hear that. But sometimes what we *know* doesn't help what we *feel.*

  13. I read this at work and just started crying. I wish I had been a better friend when you were going through all you did with your parents.

    As for the puppy....I am so sorry. This just broke my heart because I know it's been a long and sad journey for TL and the family. (and you) I remember April 2006 when you were over here and got that first call from TL about Maragrita.

    The pets and I will say extra prayers for a safe and peaceful journey for Margarita.

  14. P.S. I know Mai Lin is helping her through that journey.

  15. Caroline, you couldn't have known what I was going through because I didn't tell anyone. At the time, I was just getting through a day at a time, and I didn't even realize how I was struggling myself, I think. But thanks for the thoughts.

    I'm amazed that you remember when Margarita was first sick. I didn't, but so much has happened in my world that dates tend to blur (ergo, my mom's date of death). The world will be less bright without little Rita, but it is time to stop the process that is causing pain for her and everyone that loves her. Thanks for the prayers; we all need it. Yes, I know Mai Lin is waiting for her and they will be romping together like the old days. And right now is her appointment with the vet. I gotta go. :'(

  16. To all my mom's beautiful blogger friends, Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayer over the last year. It has really meant a lot. Rita is now in heaven with her Momma, Mai Lin. My mind knows that she is better right now then she has been in a very long time, but my heart is aching so much. I hope the time comes that my heart and mind meet. It has been a long, hard year for my family and Margartia. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. Everyone go have a Margaritas tongight and have one for my sweet, sweet puppy that I love so dear and will miss so much. Love, TL

  17. Don't you think that writing helps you discover how you actually DO feel? It does that for me.

  18. Isn't my girl the sweetest to say all that at this gawd-awful time in her life? My Margaritas are read to go, right after book club this evening.

  19. Seven - Yes, I do. I'm sure that is why I write so much. I understand it so much better when I put it done on "paper."

  20. OK, I was crying from just reading the post, but after reading TL's comment my heart is just breaking. I am so sorry you have had such a hard year with Rita. I don't like Maragrita's, but I will have a Corona for her tonight.


  21. Awww...I'm so sorry for your losses. All of them. The sweet little Margarita knows she's loved and I'm sure you will all miss her and at the same time be relieved she has no more pain. Grief is such a complex thing as I'm learning each day. I'm thinking of you all. Peace.

  22. Caroline - Thank you for your kind thoughts and the cyber hugs ... from me and TL, too. And Corona will do. it's a Mexican drink, too ... for our little Tibetan girl! I'll bet she would chuckle at that!

    Traci - Thank you so much. We are all touched with grief in one way or another. Unfortunately, most of us have a tendency to ty to forget, but the best thing is to get it out into the sunshine ... that makes it shrivel a little with each exposure. But you know that, don't you? Peace back to you.

  23. My brother passed away June 1, 1992. I lost my friends, family members, father.... It hurts when you realize you are buying more sympathy cards than birthday cards. My three dearest friends are gone. Gone are the days of having someone to talk to, someone to share information with, laugh with, and I miss girl time. I have become somewhat difficult to get close to partly due to that fact that so many people I have loved have crossed over. I don't think you ever stop grieving. Time softens the hurt. I know someday I will see all those smiling faces again. Knowing that helps.

  24. Pepper - I certainly understand that. I've always said I don't mind aging, but there are a few points that get to me, and the growing list of loved ones lost is one of them.I rememer an older relative saying, "I'm the only one left," and knowing she ached for her peers and relatives older than we who were left.

    I'm recently experiencing a sense of who I can talk to about some sensitive issues because my local social group isn't "intimate" yet. It will come, but that immediate support isn't in place. I've lost some of those folks completely, others are still "there" but busy with lives that no longer include me in the immediate circle. Losses of many kinds, not just by death.


If you have something to say about it, just stick out your thumb, and I'll slow down so you can hop aboard! But hang on, 'cause I'm movin' on down the road!!! No time to waste!!!