These are random musings of my life journey, the people, animals, places, and events which have woven, and continue to weave, a tapestry that is me. We all know there is no real destination, only the ongoing experiences which blend together, creating the trail. Each step gives a glimpse of what is to come, without allowing me to see the end result. It is exciting. I have a home base that is mine, that gives me a place to rest. This is it. This is where my heart is, no matter where I journey...................

Friday, January 25, 2008

Thoughts of Old Loves

I'm ... so ... tired ... of ... filing ... papers ... and ... shredding ... papers.

I've shredded three garbage bags full over the last week or so, and another is over half full. I've filed about 1/3 of that amount. It's almost done. Other than a few odds and ends, I'm finally caught up with all the filing I didn't/couldn't do over the last two and a half years. Whew. Then I had to shred all that which was, finally, old enough to throw away.

I took some of the shredded paper to the dumpster, but I'm keeping part of it for mulching when I plant grass in the back yard. I also found another cool use for it ... I'm going to use some of it to make a warm and soft padding for a bed/shelter for The Kitty. I'll put it on the bottom of the shelter, then top it with some carpet or some sheepskin cloth or part of an old blanket I have hanging around. Just gotta find the shelter. I'm going to the thrift store tomorrow and see if they have anything I can adapt. Last night Caroline and I talked and she wished we were closer so I could have the dog house she bought for her stray kitties. She is leaving it behind when she moves, and I doubt the next owner will take care of them like she does. Sad. If I were still there, I'd try to help her catch them and take them to the shelter before she leaves.

I have also found a number of papers that had some interest for me. Some of them held tender memories, others made me sad. I found some random, loose pages from a notebook that I apparently used as a sort of journal. Some of the pages were incomplete with only part of the entry present. What struck me was how sad the notes were. I was struggling with my marriage almost from the beginning. It was really sad to face how difficult some things were for me. The balancing of issues in a blended family is always tough, but gee whiz, these entries were very difficult to read. I wonder how I stayed married so long. Oh, I know it sounds lame, but I already had one failed marriage, and I couldn't face another. I did everything I could to make it work. And I lied to myself over and over about so many details, and just trudged through. Ah, well, begone with that!

I also found a shoe box filled with my mother's "things." It is a box I brought home after her death, just because I wanted to see what was in it. I went through it several years ago, and set it aside for a more thorough look when time allowed. It was full of clippings from newspapers and magazines, things that she valued enough to take time to save. There are recipes, poetry, jokes, all kinds of things. What is neat about it is that I see it as a glimpse of my mother that was not always evident on the surface. I'm not surprised by any of it, but it isn't what everyone saw.

I didn't open the box this time, but there were a couple clippings that had apparently fallen out. The newsprint is very old, yellowed to an amber, aged appropriately for something dating back to 1920s through 1940s (my best guess). I'm going to share one of them with you:


Last night we met again, but the thrill we knew
In our happy yesteryear was still as death
Inside two hearts that grew apart.
Outwardly, so little you've changed
But deep in your soul you're a stranger to me.
Awkward minutes of silence replaced
Those ecstatic pauses in the hot coursing
Of our now dead love that brought you
Still closer to me.
The little nothings that we once spoke
Now fall like insensate, idle patter
That mocks the love that died . . .
A love that died because it burned so fiercely
In its prime that out of necessity it expired,
Leaving ashes . . . cold . . . and grey.
Our love lies buried in the ashes of the fire
That burned on our alter of desire.

Just recently I was talking with a friend about our "old loves." We were saying how that passion hung around and burned in us each for years. Then we met those guys again many years later, and it was an enormous let down. for me it was much like the above. I remembered the sweetness of our love, but although he looked much the same, the enchantment was just not there. I'd carried him in my heart for, hmmm, forty years, and now ... nothing. My friend reflected the same with slightly different dynamics.

Isn't it strange how that sort of thing happens? It made us both chuckle and roll our eyes.

And yesterday I found this poem that my mom cut out of some newspaper reflecting that she, too, shared that same feeling apparently. I wonder if she encountered that boyfriend from high school and felt that rather wistful moment of realizing that she had carried around with her something that was long gone or something she simply made up in her heart as the ideal love. Or did she look at it as something reflective of her relationship at the time with my dad? I know their marriage wasn't perfect, despite the 69 year duration. So was there a time when she felt a distance from my dad or was this poem reminiscent of that ideal love?

I'll never know, yet I love having this opportunity to have the briefest peek into my mother's secret side.

We all have secrets. We all have pasts. We each have brought some old emotions from a previous chapter of our lives with us. Is your special memory still alive, or have you had it dispelled by a chance ... or planned ... meeting that made you shake your head? You don't have to reveal the content if you don't want to, but tell us ... is your extraordinary retrospection here and now, or is it then and done?


OK, ya want some pictures? :D

This was a couple days ago, nothing special, just a really pretty horizon. Cool clouds, huh?

This is "my" mountain, Nogal Peak. No, it's not the mountain I live on, but the one I identify with because it is the same name as my town. And it is so unique. This mountain is almost directly behind my house and past a couple other ridges.

Same mountain, different view, right at sunset.

Wanna see a cool cloud? Lookee here!

Same cloud, different angle. Amazing.

Have a super weekend!!

Life is beautiful!!!


  1. I so understand the feelings about a second marriage and not wanting to "fail" again. You are so busy clearing out and cleaning up stuff, I feel lazy for not being able to accomplish my jobs around here!

  2. Traci, yes, I think you do know. And on the cleaning/clearing thing, it's a matter of necessity in my house. Trust me, if I had the space for working on my photography and crafts without doing this, I would!! It's really bad when you live alone and can't blame the clutter on someone else!!

  3. I've been checking to see if you put up a new post as I didn't want to miss it. Cleaning is a good thing and I love how you are making a shelter for kitty. I wish Caroline could get the stray cats also but maybe they'll find a way to make it.
    So sorry you struggled in your marriage but you prevailed and came out the wonderful woman that you are. That's quite a testament to you my friend!

    Oh... guess where I ate lunch at yesterday? Redbone Alley! I was talking about you too. My first time back since we went. It was yummy.

  4. I think we all had a failed relationship/marriage at one point in all our lives. I was married for 10 years before my ex wife left. She left me for her guitar playing boyfriend. They would play bars (and not ever get paid). she plays the flute way better then he plays the guitar... But anyway she was nuts and had her own demons. I am so glad we are not together.

    My life is so much better with Daisy. I feel at peace with Daisy and I never had that while I was married to my ex. There was always tension.

    I would like to thank you for posting the pictures they are so pretty. I need to clean out my filing cabinet soon.

    I dont have much from my dad but I do have all his tools in my garage. I miss him bad. He was my best friend and my hero. I am grateful that I still have my mom and I speak with her every day.

    Your a great lady and I do look forward to meeting you someday!!!

  5. As you know, I had a failed marriage. I look back now and wonder why I stayed as long as I did (over 30 years). My marriage did make me a stronger(out of neccesity) person. I have been happier than I have ever been being with Man.

    I LOVE the pictures.

  6. Miss Patti, I'm glad you do check back. Caroline has been able to catch some of the cats in the past and take them in, but it takes a couple people to do it. I know she hates to leave them, but what can you do? I'm worried because there are some people who have tried to kill them; Caroline is their only champion.

    It's odd how things work out. I spent several years writing my memoirs for my children, and in the process I learned so much about myself. I "saw" things because of my writing that I wouldn't have realized otherwise. A real awakening! I took those bits of knowledge and learned from them, trying to make each day better than the last. Thanks, Patti.

    Ooouuuu! That was good food! I know a good place to eat next time I'm in your neighborhood, don't I? You were talking about me? Careful now!!! :D

    ManBlogger, isn't it interesting how things happen? In the midst of a relationship breakup we think our lives are in ruin, but when the smoke clears, it gives us the opportunity to move on to something better. I think the problem is that some people don't learn from the situations and make healthy changes for future relationships. Obviously you and Daisy did. :)

    You know, Man, I have some of my dad's tools, too. I really treasure them, and even though I have other tools, I like using the ones that were his because I feel close to him. I'm glad you stay in touch with your mom. You never know how long you have, so treasure it.

    Aw, thanks. I don't know about great, but I appreciate your thoughts! I'm looking forward to meeting you and Daisy, too!

  7. Daisy, yes, and don't you think that happens to a lot of people. I think there is a fear of failure, a fear of being able to live alone, and many other fears thrown in, that cause us to stay. You're right, however, because we become stronger if we are paying attention and taking care of ourselves in the process. And I know, too, how happy your are with Man, and vice versa. I'm happy you found each other.


    Good weekend, my friend.

  8. Sweet nostalgia. Glimpses into the past which sometimes make us wonder "who was that person?", especially with regard to ourselves. We see so much on the outside and we each and every one of us has a facade that we present to the world -- which is us, but not the "whole" of who we are.

    The one beauty of looking back at where we have been (ourselves, our loved ones) and sifting through the pieces we have kept is that we have the ability to fill in the blanks. To recreate the time and see some of what we missed when we were "there". Our focus changes on what we "see" -- and then again, some things are best left kept in the past (as in old flames)...sometimes our memory is much kinder than the reality!! :)

  9. Sherry, I like your thoughts here. I think it is important to know ourselves through and through, even the painful parts. Once one sees and deals with the what we keep tucked away, the whole self is easier to reconcile, I believe. I don't mean the pain is gone, but it helps to make sense of some of the other parts of us. Hmmm. That doesn't necessarily make sense, but I'm betting you get it.

    You're right about the old flames thing. Take my example ... even though we had that face to face, what I hold in my heart is the skinny kids with the mischievous smile and the sparkling, nearly black eyes. I'm guessing he remembers the wisp of a girl with long curly hair and "the softest lips ever." That's OK. We don't fit now, but the memory is very tender.

  10. I try to look back on old loves with the feeling that they were in my life for a reason. I don't regret any old loves.

    What great pictures.

  11. Caroline, I agree. I sometimes wish I had not had to go through certain things, but I had things to learn. That is why I was where I was, experiencing what I did. It's OK, because now I am who I am!!!

    Thanks! :)


If you have something to say about it, just stick out your thumb, and I'll slow down so you can hop aboard! But hang on, 'cause I'm movin' on down the road!!! No time to waste!!!