These are random musings of my life journey, the people, animals, places, and events which have woven, and continue to weave, a tapestry that is me. We all know there is no real destination, only the ongoing experiences which blend together, creating the trail. Each step gives a glimpse of what is to come, without allowing me to see the end result. It is exciting. I have a home base that is mine, that gives me a place to rest. This is it. This is where my heart is, no matter where I journey...................

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I Remember A Christmas

I remember a Christmas .....

It was the first Christmas I spent alone. It was just last year.

I wasn't dreading it at all. I've had a lot of Christmases with family and friends. Most of them were very happy, but a few of them were less than joyous. Some of them were so stressful because of the conflict that occurred, usually because my late husband did something, said something, started something, that they were worth forgetting. It wasn't fun when that happened. The others were really nice. I loved being with the kids and watching their excitement over their gifts, whether the gifts were from family or from Santa. And there were a lot of good times.

The last couple Christmases were good ones. The year after my hub died, I drove from Seattle to Melbourne FL, and spent Christmas with my daughter and her family. It was a good holiday. Being with the grandchildren did me a world of good. The distraction of children is a good thing during stressful times, I think. And being with my daughter and son-in-law was good for me, too. My daughter and I are very close, and it was therapeutic for me to be with her.

I went back to Kansas City after the holidays and spent several months getting my house ready to sell. Then I left in October and moved to New Mexico. I lived with my step-son for a few months while I found a house to buy, and during that time I celebrated Christmas in a most unusual way. I drove to Albuquerque where my ex and his wife live, and we were joined by our children and grandchildren. We had a grand time, the kids and I in motel rooms, spending lots of time as one big extended family. Allan even drove up for one day and enjoyed seeing his step-siblings, nieces and nephew. Then .... we all got snowed in! Instead of staying about 4-5 days in a motel, we spent 8 or 9! As the roads cleared and/or air schedules improved people gradually were able to return home, but my daughter's family could not leave for over a week after their scheduled flight, so we were able to drive to Capitan and see Allan for a couple days. A busy, busy Christmas time, for sure.

Then last year, I went to Kansas, Florida, and several other stops in the late fall, but returned home before Christmas because I wanted to be in my own home. Lots of people worried about me being alone, but I really wanted to be here, and it wasn't a problem with loneliness for me. On Christmas day my boss and his father came over for dinner, but that was about the extent of the company. And throughout the holidays, I was quite happy. I don't remember being "blue" at all. It was almost a milestone for me to make it through the holiday on my own.

Being alone at Christmas isn't bad. I'll agree, it is more fun to be with people you love, but it is not bad if you don't let it be. I enjoyed the quiet, the opportunity to reflect on Christmases from the past. As I decorated the tree, I spent as much time as I wanted reminiscing as I unpacked and hung the ornaments. I played Christmas music all day long if I wished or changed to jazz or blues or country or oldies as the mood hit me. I cuddled up with the ones who had been with me through it all, Ali and China, and it was simply a restful and beautiful period of my life.

Making it through a major holiday alone was a good thing. It more or less convinced me that I could do anything I chose to, with others or on my own. That was one of the best Christmas gifts ever. I'm looking at my second one, and I'm fine with it. Another good gift!

16 comments:

  1. I remember reading about your holidays last year and feeling your joy through your words. May this year be ever bit as good for you!!

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  2. I also remember last year hearing you place your beloved ornaments and decorations on your tree and throughout your home.....and many with a story behind them. You sounded so happy and contented. This year will be good too. Have you heard anything from THAT MAN? Hope he calls with an invite for something.

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  3. Sometimes I'd like to have Christmas alone too. Oh well.

    You do sound peaceful though. :)

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  4. Jen, I think part of it is being comfortable with myself and confident in the relationships I have. That way I can be alone without feeling threatened by loneliness. Thanks, I think this year will be just as peaceful as last year. :)

    Anon (Ruth?), it was a good holiday, and I expect to enjoy this one as well. LOL about THAT MAN! No, I've had no invite, and I wouldn't expect it. We are still in the infancy stage of a very undefined relationship. I almost want to say the fetal stage! I would actually be uncomfortable had that been forthcoming. I'll curl up at home or perhaps get together with another friend who will be alone for a nosh or two, and that is it. :)

    Traci, LOL! I hear that. The holiday season can be so overloaded with emotion, can't it? I hope you have some "down time" for yourself.

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  5. Yep that was me Lyn....another senior moment...damnnn it! LOL



    Ruth

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  6. I remember how excited you were when the whole family came to NM for Christmas. It is so wonderful for your kids and grandkids that you and your ex get along and even spend holidays together. Thank you so much for sharing all of this with us.

    About THAT MAN....maybe you guys can get together for New Years Eve??? :):)

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  7. What a gift...the time to reflect on your life, memories, loves etc. and to gain the sense of self that allows you to endure!

    Priceless!

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  8. Momo-Mama could be writing a commercial for Master Card....Priceless - Love it!

    Ruth

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  9. I remember A Christmas where i vow never to bake another cookie, wait that was last years vow that got broken. Cookies evil got to get back to the evil oven just beeped great post as usual.

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  10. Caroline, yeah, that was a great Christmas. And you're welcome, 'cause I love to share it. :)

    No, I doubt it. We just aren't "there" yet.

    Mo-Ma, exactly how I look at it. It is amazing how much easier it is for me to accept life these days. Absolutely priceless!

    Ruth, yes!!!

    Red, thanks, and be sure to watch the evil cookies. They might come alive and begin marching on you or something!

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  11. "A few of them were less than joyous. Some of them were so stressful because of the conflict that occurred, usually because my late husband did something, said something, started something, that they were worth forgetting. It wasn't fun when that happened."

    OH*WOW Lynilu!!! I can certainly relate to the above. My ex husband managed to ruin many a holiday.

    Glad you're enjoying your Christmases. ME TOO!!!! :-)

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  12. Daisy, I guess it is a scenario that many people have experienced, sadly enough. I hope all of them can get to a place you and I have. :)

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  13. I spent one weekend away from my family and just longed to be with them but it was still a good day with just my guy and I. I'm not sure I want to be all alone but it sounds like you have the right attitude for it.

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  14. MJ, I don't mean to imply that I would rather be alone, but since I am, it's OK. I guess it has a lot to do with making the best of whatever your situation is. :)

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  15. I never tire of hearing Christmas Memories!

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If you have something to say about it, just stick out your thumb, and I'll slow down so you can hop aboard! But hang on, 'cause I'm movin' on down the road!!! No time to waste!!!