These are random musings of my life journey, the people, animals, places, and events which have woven, and continue to weave, a tapestry that is me. We all know there is no real destination, only the ongoing experiences which blend together, creating the trail. Each step gives a glimpse of what is to come, without allowing me to see the end result. It is exciting. I have a home base that is mine, that gives me a place to rest. This is it. This is where my heart is, no matter where I journey...................

Saturday, November 24, 2012


My Thanksgiving Day was lovely. How was yours?

Yesterday was a fairly lazy day. The office was closed, but I did one task for work, then partially trimmed the dogs, Today and tomorrow they will get a bath, and I'll touch up the trim afterward. I need to organize my truck sometime today or tomorrow, and, oh yeah, clean house. Exciting, huh?  snicker!

So let's do something else.

I saw this this morning on FB. It put into words something I've wrestled with for a long, long time. My late husband was difficult to live with, to say the least. I loved him, but he was a thorn in my rose garden. He also had lots of good facets, spoiled me in many ways, although often it was to make amends for his behaviors on other days or to prove to himself or others how good he was.

The core issue was that he thrived on chaos. When things in the home were off kilter, he was at his best. When everyone else is spinning out of control, it is easy for him to step in, take control and be in charge of it all. He had some sayings that I heard many times through the years. Divide and conquer. That was a favorite. He meant that if he kept the enemy (rebelling forces, usually the kids) apart to avoid combined strength, they would eventually turn on one another. He would win. Later I realized he used that to separate me from the kids, too.  He thrived on creating havoc, hours-long arguments into the wee hours of the morning, keeping tension in the air much of the time. If you keep the opposition angry, scared, and tired, it is easier to defeat them. Everyone walked on eggshells to avoid raising the ire of the dragon. The house was a war zone.

It was no wonder that I couldn't find peace in the home.

I knew all of this, but putting it into a manageable bundle of thoughts took me a long time. He kept me subdued with angry outbursts and self-esteem wearing verbiage. I began rebuilding the pieces of the carnage when I was packing to move shortly before and after his death, and again when I was unpacking and downsizing on this end of that move. I ran across several journals that I kept off and on over the years. Multiple times through the years I noted things that should have sent me scurrying, but I forgot about it from one event to the next. Why? Because that's how recipients of verbal and emotional abuse survive; they stuff it away where it can't be seen. Out of sight, out of mind. Or more correctly, out of sight, crammed into the back of the mind until it hurts. Reading the journals led me to connecting the dots, realizing that the joy I experienced through the years was all connected to the children, just a smidgen with him. Sad.

And it made me angry, of course. It took me three years after his death to forgive him .... and myself .... for that. But I did.

I've had some healing conversations with the kids. They all get it. In fact, they got it before I did. As they moved out of the house and were able to push it farther away from their present lives, some in therapist's offices, othesr had different ways of snuffing out the hurting memories. Over time they began to tell me of things I was not privy to earlier on. How they, the kids themselves, covered things that went on in my absence, because of the wrath they would experience if they let on. He called it teaching "respect;" of course, it was fear they learned from this.

In spite of this, we have recognized he wasn't evil. He was sick. I believe he was bipolar. It was not severe enough to debilitate him. He was together enough to be charming, winning many over with his smile and charisma. But if he was around people long, they began to see the holes in the persona. We had very few friends. During my first marriage I had been the consummate hostess, the queen of fun, and now, I had only "outside" friends, the ones who didn't have much insight into my personal life.

My mosaic is composed of a lot of teeny tiny pieces. But it is a beautiful picture now. The last seven years have been healing and strengthening. I'm still a work in progress, but it is progressing! Broken shards or not, I like my mosaic. It represents where I've been, not where I'm going.

I don't know if one ever truly heals from that sort of damage, but I can say I'm better with each day. I'm finding so many beautiful things to build into my foundation. It feels to me much like the foundation that I got from my parents' home,  but it is clearly one of my own making. Life isn't without challenges, not at all. And it isn't without sad or bad times. But I'm generally happy. I like my circle of friends. If someone chooses to leave my circle, that's fine. There is probably a reason they won't fit in my new place. Those who stay near me like me. Best of all, I like me.

Oh, yeah!!!


  1. From LC at

    What an inspiring post. Your mosaic is indeed beautiful, filled with beautiful colors of courage, healthy choices, kindness to others and yourself, and finding joy. You've come a long way, baby! Better not bitter! I am thankful on this post- Thanksgiving Saturday for your journey and the way you continue to share.

    1. Thank you, LC. I have pondered over this for several hours, wondering whether to actually post it or not. Yes, I think I have come a long way, for sure. So have you!!

  2. Well said. Makes me think about some of my own times.

    1. It's never easy to recover from something like this, is it?

  3. Wow. You have really been through it. Thanks for sharing all of this because I feel closer to you because you have shared so openly about all you have been through. I understand at a deep level what you have been through because of similar experience in my own life. Thankfully, I too no longer live in that atmosphere.

    I love the quote and photo of the mosaic that you shared. You have healed because you recognize what happened to you and you worked hard at putting the pieces together again into a beautiful new picture of you and your journey through life. Bravo!

    1. I published your comment this morning, then, before I could respond, the internet went out! So, I'm finally back.

      Another analogy I've used in the past is a tapestry. I figure every event is a thread that weaves together to make the pattern that is my life. If you think about it, each thread is tiny, easily snapped, but the tapestry is very strong. that's how I see the two of us, RET.


  4. Long-term close relationships are hard no matter what the circumstance. But throw in a troubled personality and it takes a strong partner to survive through it all. Luckily, that's just what you are.

    My son was just telling me about a couple who got married a year ago September with about all the glitz and glamor you could expect in a wedding these days. I wondered how they could afford it (our son was an usher). Just heard today that they are getting a divorce. Barely made it a year.

    1. I'm sad to see marriage disintegrating as an "establishment." My parents were married for 69 years before the passed away just 3 weeks apart. I was married twice, too, the first for 10 years, the second for 31, so I added to the statistics. But it is unlikely I will marry again. I don't know if anyone could stand me long enough to make it "successful"!! In becoming strong, I suspect some would find me stuck, rigid, opinionated. And I am! My mosaic is strong!

  5. Sounds like the chaos of your former life makes your current independent life all the sweeter.


If you have something to say about it, just stick out your thumb, and I'll slow down so you can hop aboard! But hang on, 'cause I'm movin' on down the road!!! No time to waste!!!