First, know that I realize things change. Everything and everyone is constantly changing. However, we all have times when we realize that there has been a significant shift in the balance, one we didn't notice. When it dawns on us, it is a bit of a shock and isn't always received with gratitude or happiness. We don't see the change in ourselves, for the most part, and we expect everything else to be stationary, predictable, comfortable. Although homeostasis in life is not possible, that's what we want. Or what we think we want.
The earth changes, too. Our axis tilts back and forth over a period of (what is it, 14, 16 18?) years, and it effects where we see the rising of the sun. I have commented several times lately about the fact that the sun this winter has risen south of the Capitans which seems odd to me. When I moved here it rose from behind the mountains, now it rises behind some trees outside my house. The reason is that axis tilt and it will begin moving back at some point. I really don't know the place in the cycle right now.
So everything changes. Me, too. And a friend pointed out to me recently that I have changed a lot in the past year. "For the better," she said. "You've grown." Yes, I think she's right. I hope she is! And a few days after hearing that, after ruminating it, rearranging it, analyzing it, I have realized that perhaps it wasn't my three friends who "left me." It is likely the normal, expected-but-not-embraced changes of human beings that occurred. Perhaps it is the change in me that pushed them away. I've out-grown them, and I say this without meaning myself superior or growing "better" than them. I simply mean that I've grown and changed, they have grown and changed, and we no longer fit.
In my ideal world, my KC house would be here on the mountain and Caroline would have moved here to still be my next door neighbor. Perfect, right? Exceeeeeeept .... the house couldn't be moved, and if Caroline came here, she wouldn't be happy. She has found her happiness on another mountain and with the love of her life. Do I miss her? Yes. Do I want to rip her away from her life? No!
So here I am. I love where I am. I love my life. Well, most of it! ;D I miss those friends, but I've taken a new perspective and realize that we had served our purposes in each others lives. The absence of them in my personal world simply marks the march of time, my personal growth, and it makes way for whatever new person or event is coming round the corner! I am sad that their exits were timed as they were, because I needed friends who knew me and my situation enough that I didn't have to give a history before getting a hug. Yeah, that was bad. But perhaps that was because it was a time in my life that I had to struggle my own struggle. I don't know what I learned or gained from it, and I may never know. I just know that it was what it was.
And now it is what it is. See? Not always bad.