First, know that I realize things change. Everything and everyone is constantly changing. However, we all have times when we realize that there has been a significant shift in the balance, one we didn't notice. When it dawns on us, it is a bit of a shock and isn't always received with gratitude or happiness. We don't see the change in ourselves, for the most part, and we expect everything else to be stationary, predictable, comfortable. Although homeostasis in life is not possible, that's what we want. Or what we think we want.
The earth changes, too. Our axis tilts back and forth over a period of (what is it, 14, 16 18?) years, and it effects where we see the rising of the sun. I have commented several times lately about the fact that the sun this winter has risen south of the Capitans which seems odd to me. When I moved here it rose from behind the mountains, now it rises behind some trees outside my house. The reason is that axis tilt and it will begin moving back at some point. I really don't know the place in the cycle right now.
So everything changes. Me, too. And a friend pointed out to me recently that I have changed a lot in the past year. "For the better," she said. "You've grown." Yes, I think she's right. I hope she is! And a few days after hearing that, after ruminating it, rearranging it, analyzing it, I have realized that perhaps it wasn't my three friends who "left me." It is likely the normal, expected-but-not-embraced changes of human beings that occurred. Perhaps it is the change in me that pushed them away. I've out-grown them, and I say this without meaning myself superior or growing "better" than them. I simply mean that I've grown and changed, they have grown and changed, and we no longer fit.
In my ideal world, my KC house would be here on the mountain and Caroline would have moved here to still be my next door neighbor. Perfect, right? Exceeeeeeept .... the house couldn't be moved, and if Caroline came here, she wouldn't be happy. She has found her happiness on another mountain and with the love of her life. Do I miss her? Yes. Do I want to rip her away from her life? No!
So here I am. I love where I am. I love my life. Well, most of it! ;D I miss those friends, but I've taken a new perspective and realize that we had served our purposes in each others lives. The absence of them in my personal world simply marks the march of time, my personal growth, and it makes way for whatever new person or event is coming round the corner! I am sad that their exits were timed as they were, because I needed friends who knew me and my situation enough that I didn't have to give a history before getting a hug. Yeah, that was bad. But perhaps that was because it was a time in my life that I had to struggle my own struggle. I don't know what I learned or gained from it, and I may never know. I just know that it was what it was.
And now it is what it is. See? Not always bad.
I love what you have to say here. It is full of wisdom for the rest of us. I'm still learning what you have learned from this experience. You have grown. You have changed. I am sure of that. We do outgrow friends who might have been there to fill in gaps at the time. That is a part of life.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter and I were just talking about a so called friend of the family and how she never really was a friend and how deep down inside we always knew it. She still played some important roles in our lives, and she also let us down, especially my Julie, when (she) we needed her most.
RET, this sort of thinking reminds me of the "Season, Reason, and Lifetime" friends. You're familiar with that, right? It is so applicable.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to realize those deficiencies, isn't it? I hope one day that will be just a memory without the strong feelings for you. It will take a while, I'm sure, because it is tied so strongly to the grief of losing Julie.
Wow, you've had a lot going on lately! I haven't read your blog in a bit. First, I hope things will be ok with your vision. That's a bit scary! So sorry to hear about your step-grandson. So sad when someone so young thinks that suicide is a good solution to what is probably a temporary or imagined problem. It sounds like you need a vacation!
ReplyDeleteI hope things get better and everything smooths out for you in the near future!
And another big step in the growth process! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Like Retired English Teacher. your post is something that helps me, too. and the wisdom you are developing.All the best on your continuing journey. Definitely not a whine!
ReplyDeleteDeb, thanks. This doesn't even get into the "other stuff" but the thing is, it is already smoothing out. We all have ups and downs, you know, and I think we are stronger for it, if we allow ourselves to learn from it.
ReplyDeleteLC, yes, it is! Growing isn't always fun, but it's wonderful after we get through the humps and bumps. I love that you are growing, too! You're a smart gal, for sure!
Your timing is perfect Lyn. I have been thinking a lot lately about how much I've been changing over the past couple of years. Quite a bit actually. And now that I think about it, it seemed to have started when mom passed away. I guess that's common.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to have made a beautiful comfortable living space. New job. Gorgeous surroundings and friends. I'd say you are pretty blessed.
Love Di ♥
Lyn, sometimes we do change and some people's spirits are not able/ready to accept the new us. I know that from experience. Often it is a very difficult thing to pass through. I'll tell you this - I come from a long line of huggers, so if we ever meet, you'll get a warm sisterly hug from this gal! I hope we do get a chance to meet someday. :)
ReplyDeleteDi, I think everything happens when it is supposed to, so the timing wasn't necessarily mine! And, yes, I sometimes think a traumatic event spurs us into change. But we are changing all the time; it just becomes more evident occasionally. Yes, I am blessed. Of that I have no doubt. Love you!
ReplyDeleteTYR, that's it exactly! I've been on both sides of that. I hope we get to meet, too, and the hug will be happily returned! Thanks!